It always feels performative to me. But I never cart in front of people. But when I cry by myself I just think about how stupid I look and sound and then I can’t do it anymore. I was sobbing so hard I scared my cat and then two seconds later I was sitting there with dry eyes and a scratchy throat feeling a sob creep up my throat but I couldn’t let it out. It’d be too loud. It’d be too annoying. Constant reasons why I can’t sob rn. I’m alone. In the apartment I pay for. I don’t understand. I want to scream. I need to sob. But instead I’m writing this on the bathroom floor and I’m not okay
