Finially coming out with the truth of what childhood trauma does to you mentally.

I am a 17 year old female.

From when I was born I suffered from a disease called perthes disease (Blood supply to the head of the thigh bone is disrupted which causes the bone to deteriorate. This can cause pain, limping and limited movement of the hip joint), it was difficult since I was affected in both hips and with this; I also had a mother who suffered from many mental illnesses but I’ll narrow it down.. narcissm.

I have blocked a lot of it out to be honest, I was raped by my mother’s boyfriends (she had more than one at a time.) at age 3 and I still remember some of it, this caused me to think it was okay to sexually touch others at age 5 (other kids my age) and I was always put down as a violent, misbehaving child and nobody ever helped me because I was called ‘Spoilt.’ And or ‘Had some behaviour issues.’

I remember being so petrified and uncomfortable with bathrooms that I refused to use them and would often pee myself instead, I was terrified of the shower since my mother sprayed chemicals in my eyes as punishment and then force my eyes open while blasting the shower in my eyes – My dad told me that I used to scream and cry, anything I could, to get away when the shower came on.

She also did little things like call me names and she once ate all the topping off a pizza and laughed in my face when I cried.

She also emotionally neglected me and physically neglected me, as in she left me in soiled nappies for DAYS in the cot until my ass was red raw of rashes and my dad had to bathe me while I screamed in pain.

My mental development has been stumped and decreased and I couldn’t continue my gcses and had been suicidal since age 10 and was a violent porn addict since age 9 and lasted till I was 14.
I am narcissistic in some ways, emotionally unavailable and have 0 – little empathy.

I was really violent, constantly fighting and hurting people to get my own way,

The violence I had endured growing up from that age really fucked me up, being kicked, hit and burnt for being, “Annoying.” Or doing something that was ‘Naughty’ instead of being taught it was wrong normally.

My dad took full custody of me when I was 4.

My step-mum is a step up but it almost feels like she hates me because I’m not her daughter, and I admit, I’ve taken out a lot of anger deep down on her but she had also neglected me emotionally, to the point I had tried to end my life 4 times in the span of 3 years.

I feel like nobody will ever truly love me as who I am and I constantly put on a face where I’m normal and happy.

– My friends left me because I was “A bitch.” and a “Pick me.” I brought them stuff all the time and never once tried to put them down for male attention. I may do things I regret and do which is not great but when your own friends tell you that because you moved away it really does hurt you. And they also said that I should kill myself and that they wish my birth mum finished me off.

Now for the consequences of all this and what I suffer with,

Schizophrenia (I see peoples faces warp into the same stretched out face with big eye sockets and little eyes ive been seeing since i was little, or gore in my mind when I’m talking to someone (mostly male) that makes me terrified.)

Ptsd (Can’t sleep, panic attacks, poor anger management, flashbacks.)

Depression (Suicide, self hate)

(Doctor prescribed me pills but I didn’t take them)

Developed a skin picking disorder (My skin is scabbed up and scared because I peel my skin with my nails when I’m stressed.)

When I get angry I lash out at myself, this can be in forms of ripping hair out, punching myself, biting myself, scratching myself.

Extreme intrusive thoughts. (Killing humans, children, elderly, being raped.)

Having 0 sex drive and not being able to feel any pleasure during sex.

When I’m scared, (Usually if someone touches me during an argument) I will go into a fight or flight response and it usually ends up not great.

Was terrified of my grandad and had visons of him raping me and me enjoying it, I usually threw up afterwards and I got aggressive towards him, aka I was violent.

This is most I can think of right now, this is my story and I want to tell you, what ever you’re going through right now, you will be able to overcome it. Don’t let it consume you. You are letting them win.