So I just had a messy breakup last month. She was my first love, and I did what everybody else did, cut off all her contact and deleted everything about her, focus on other things. But just now, as I was focusing on work or other things that required my attention, a part of my brain started craving her affection like a child calling out to his mother shouting where she was but couldn’t find her, like the powerless child that I was. This is the most horrifying and desperate thing I have ever felt. It is more dreadful to behold than whatever phantasmal horrors incomprehensible to the human mind out there lurking in the darkest corner of the world. I wonder, is it because I have rarely felt affection throughout my life that causes this sudden lust for affection and love? There is not a single episode that I do not dream of ending it all to avoid such pain. The only reason I don’t is only because of my parents. I have met her through sheer luck as if God himself have finally granted me a miracle, but the fool that I was did not cherish it, and now I live in constant agony, going through the good times we have had over and over again. Sometimes, I feel like I’ll never be able to live with my regret and mistake. I will go see a doctor about this but that’ll just be relief in the physical sense, how do I cope with it mentally?
