I’m not sure of any other way to put it I guess but here lately (shit the past few years or so) I’ve been having vivid imagery and what I guess I would call verbal imaginations of hurting myself (and telling myself to hurt myself) when I’m upset wether it be angry or sad. I don’t think I want to die, I have a wife and a daughter who I love with everything in me and I could never leave them alone in this world, but even before them I was struggling with this. In my head I don’t think I could ever bring myself to end my own life but I do regularly think about it and I can see how it happens in my head. I don’t have the money or the insurance to go to therapy or anything and even if I did I’ve heard more stories about how they don’t work then them actually doing anything. I feel so unmotivated to do fucking anything but I have to push through and that makes these thoughts worse. I guess I don’t expect any advice other that what I’ve seen for other people that feel like I do, but I don’t think I’ve told anyone (or anyone that gives a shit) how I feel so here I am. I hope one day whatever creature is watching us eases up on me, I didn’t ask to be out here and I certainly didn’t ask to think about taking myself out of here as often as I do.
