Hi there! F25 here. I will try to make this as short as I can, but I will give you a little background. All my life, I felt more guilt than others, as a kid, I used to think about my mistakes before going to bed and thinking that maybe I hurt someone with something that I said or did. I also felt guilty about not making my parents happy all the time. This thing became massive during Uni. I graduated medschool last year and during those years, I haven’t paid that much attention to my feelings, because I had a lot to study and to keep my mind busy with all the time. Medschool was what I wanted, I am passionate about medicine, but it was also rough ‘cause I have always wanted to make my parents proud of me (especially my mom) even if they didn’t ask for anything. My mom was always there for me (including the moment I got an autoimmune condition and I was in a lot of pain) and I truly love her but we are very different. She always wants me to do what she thinks is better for me without telling me what to do but the thing is that, usually, I can feel from her cold attitude that I did something that she doesn’t agree with. During my childhood, she has always highlighted my mystakes, especially when we had people visiting us. She used to tell everything that I said or did which she cosidered inappropriate after our guests left. Nowadays…I overthink the meetings with everyone from my life and I tell myself what wasn’t perfect in the communication, because I feel a stupid need to make everyone around me feel well.
Here comes the OCD part: now that I finished uni and I work 7h/day with not so many night shifts, I have more free time to finally think about my own feelings and I realised that I feel the urge to say sorry or to talk a lot in order to make him/her feel entertained to the person I think I hurt with my words or attitude. It’s an obsession to please everybody and a compulsion to say something in order to make everyone feel better. The compulsion relaxes me for a little bit but this happening over and over again drains me. This year, I moved in with my boyfriend who is lovely and always encourages me to try to please myself before others but I also feel a lot of guilt because he has to deal with my emotions and I also feel the urge to say something funny to him in order to make amends. I hope that one day I will be able to cope with my guilt…
Thanks in advance for your answers! ❤️
