I’m not really sure why I’ve come back here. I guess I’m just yelling into the void, but it’s not like I can really talk to anyone I know about this, so I’m going to write this late at night when I can’t sleep.
I’m not suicidal, I’m far too much of a coward to ever come close to going through with that (or even self harm), but sometimes I do think about it. About how I’m not going anywhere or doing anything. I think I’ve just become far more disillusioned with the world as I’ve gotten older and combined with my mental health struggles it makes things really tough.
I’m really stuck on it. I keep thinking about how I’ve changed majors twice and suddenly I’m not so sure what I’m doing is what I want to be doing, then I think about everything else and I realize I don’t want to do anything else.
I think a lot about how I’m a horrible person. I can’t commit to anything, I make excuses, I treat the people around me like garbage, and I don’t know why. I get defensive about the smallest things. I’ve gotten too comfortable being me the last year or so and I hate it so much. I act like an idiot, say stupid stuff I wouldn’t or shouldn’t, and cant just keep to myself like I used to. I talk to people in person like I would with people online, and I talk to people online like I’m down to my last two brain cells.
I know I need to take my meds, but it’s difficult. I have trouble remembering to do simple things like that, so when I do sit down and actually see the bottle in front of me it’s already so late in the day it doesn’t seem worth doing anymore.
My one image of the future is a lie I keep dangling in front of my face, but I’m not sure if it’s something I want. I guess I just think it’s better than the alternatives.
It must be because it’s summer. I have no classes, and I haven’t found a job yet. I spend so much time sleeping and eating that I feel awful. Even when I want to do something different I sit down and find I just can’t enjoy my hobbies anymore, even for things I know I should still love.