I feel like I live in a present hell, where I want to connect, I want intimacy but fear/ anxiety stops me experiencing it or being open to connections. The only 2 people I connect with are my childhood friends who don’t live in the county I’m currently in. Other than them I find it impossible to exist in the world in peace, connect with people without feeling so much fear. When my friend came to visit me here, she interacted with so many people / made connection easily / so I tried to copy her and I found it easier to interact and connect with people but now she’s left I feel back to feeling really alone , feeling unable or not knowing how to connect with new people, interact with them from a place of ease and authenticity. I’m thirsty for human connection but I’m too scared of people. It’s really depressing. Any advice ? I’ve felt like this for so long around people, I dont know what it is that’s holding me back. It’s a major block. There’s solace in knowing there are 2/3 (all from childhood) people I connect with but other than that I find it impossible to connect with people. Also all of these friends I have really intense friendships with (more like non sexual romantic relationships). I have no idea what it’s like to have a friendship that isn’t the most intense thing. I will say my close friendships are extremely beautiful even though they’re intense af. I feel like they allow me to channel my love inside my heart. Without them I feel like I have no vehicle to channel my love, so my love ends up being pain the lonelier I get. I’ve just had so many instances in my life where humans have scared me ad let me down and I feel like now I’m just scared of everyone and despite this knowledge I can’t shake it. it’s a physical feeling of fear / gaurd up. Plus I’m living with housemate in this new foreign country I live In who I have difficulties with which adds to my loneliness. No-one would ever expect someone like me to feel like this. I mask so well. I’m attractive and appear popular and charming but inside I feel so lonely. I dont know if maybe I’ve suffered from autism all these years. Both of those 2 closest friends think I have it and they know me really well. But they’re also not doctors so I don’t know how trustworthy their opinions are. And then sometimes I think my life Is going well but It’s just my mask connecting with people. sometimes I get lost in my mask. Any advice or insights to what I’m going through / what I could do / has anyone else been through this. ( I wanna have sex to help this feeling go away but I know it won’t help long term)
