[CONTENT WARNING; mentions of depression/sh/duicidal thoughts]
I’m in my last year of this particular school, the system works different here so I can’t really say which type of school it is. I’m 19 though and haven’t skipped/retaken a year if that helps. Anyway, the thing is, the first half of this year went pretty great actually. I got good grades, didn’t miss that many classes etc. But then I had to work on my end of the year project so I skipped school a lot, which ultimately meant I’d be behind on school. Specifically math, which I only understand if I’m present in all the classes. First test of the year, I got a perfect grade. The second test not so much. I failed, and have to retake it. On top of that I have a ton of projects I have to finish in programs they never even taught us how to use, they just fucking expect we can find everything on google because “everything’s on there now”. No it fucking isnt.
To add, I’ve struggled with depression since I was 11. At the time I honestly didn’t really understand the big deal after being diagnosed, and only years later did I realize that **depression** is the thing that makes your life shit, not that life is already supposed to feel like a pile of steaming shit for everyone. I honestly thought all the people just always feel that way. I’ve had my share of unwanted thoughts, imagining all the possible ways I could die without it being my fault so my family wouldn’t have to go through blaming themselves etc. Of course I’ve had plans of doing it myself too, but I could never go through with it because of the guilt.
I’ve been clean of sh for MONTHS now which is a first in the past 7-8 years! I haven’t thought about suicide nearly as often as I did back then, maybe once or twice a month at most, so this is a huge thing for me! Thing is though, with the stress of school, I think I’m slowly reverting back to how shit was. I haven’t cried for over 5 months now, and just a few minutes ago, I was about to force myself to study because I genuinely have ZERO motivation and energy for that, and it just. Hit me. I started crying out of fucking nowhere and it kinda pissed me off. I managed to stop myself fast enough, to like, not make it obvious to the world, but well. I just hate crying so much. I’m not saying I did it often before, maybe 4 times a year or so, (unless I had a period in time of kinda doing it before bed because yknow. Fucking emotions i guess) but it just bothers me that for some reason my body felt the need to do it now.
I’m buried in tests and projects with no motivation, my mental health seems to be trying to revert back, or at least get worse than it is now, and I only have a month left of school. I know it’s so little time, but I can’t see the finish line from where I am right now. I’m starting to wish I could perish again. Because everything just sucks so bad, and I’ve been told by some people, adults, that it only gets worse once you have to work. I don’t want to live in a world where my sole purpose is to exist so others don’t get hurt if I die, but I have to live this piss stain of a life, instead of just ditching life for good and being rid of all this mental pain.
For now, I just need motivation to get to the end of this year. I’ll worry about the rest later. If anyone has any kind of advice, it’s really appreciated.
Ps; I’ll probably be deleting this post after some time because posting this was a spur of the moment decision and I often regret those haha.
Edit to add; I have a tendency to get sick due to the stress, and well. I’ve had a constant cold for the past 3 or 4 weeks. Its not bad enough for me to stay at home, but its annoying enough to prevent me from sleeping ok due to a sore/itching throat and having to constantly cough/blow my nose.