I feel like I can’t talk to a guy I like because I know it can’t be forever
It’s sucking the air from my lungs
It’s gonna kill me to make him feel bad when I tell him no
That he can’t love me and I won’t love him
I’m not sure if he even wants a relationship…
We have chemistry of a sort and we both have mental health issues…
Context: I worked with him for like 5 or 6 months… I went to his house once…
I won’t commit to him
I feel very threatened by him
Anytime I talk to him I get physically ill with many symptoms
The stress makes me want to run
I used to feel practically haunted by him in my head when my anxiety was so bad
I felt almost as if demonically possessed after talking to him, that’s how bad the fear was
I always thought maybe I’m sensing something real and that maybe it is a danger to be with him
I know of one thing he’s done that was pretty bad in the past, but doesn’t everyone do bad things at some point in their life? His was involving another person but part of me thinks he’d feel pretty bad about it… I’d hope..
Anyway, I’ve done this so many times in my life with men.. I basically feel some sort of sense of being desired by them and it’s exhilarating.. it’s so lovely but it’s also something that fills me with so much fear that I can’t really rationally figure out what the situation actually is. It actually feels more like a trap and I end up hating him for wanting me… idk in what way he might want me but like with all men I’d assume sexually.. but also maybe just maybe in a true and loving way? Part of me thinks deep down he has extreme anger issues and maybe even hates women and would love to beat them… honestly I can’t tell if that’s just my weird suspicious and fearful side making things up or if I have an intuition.. I guess by some of the things he likes: movies/music it makes me suspicious of him cause it’s so violent… but literally I also listen to violent music—- the $uicideboy$…
I don’t even know what I want to do with my life, but part of me wants to end up moving to a different country (MAYBE) so that’s why I broke it off with the other guys too..
Is it okay to just talk to a guy in a somewhat platonic way and assume they’re not falling in love with me? There’s these voices in my head that fault me for leading him on and giving any love to him if I don’t love him in every capacity…
I told him happy birthday and sent him a platonic yet kind and thoughtful text message. Now he’s texting me and I think he wants me to come to his house… nothing wrong with it necessarily..
But feelings of fear come up because I start feeling like idk if I trust him… and I feel trapped and in fear at the thought of being his friend.. I feel like that with some people… not just him… but also, part of me feels like I can be totally my real self with him…
I think I feel like I’m gonna lose him if I can’t give all of myself to him
Is it just a trauma bond?
Like maybe there’s no real basis for having a friendship but we are there for each other as emotional support and validation?
What’s happening?
Am I extremely paranoid for no reason?
It seriously feels like my whole world is crashing down every time I talk to him in a way where there’s potential for the relationship going further…
I definitely have issues with black/white thinking… I’ve also violated my intuition and needs a lot in life so I can’t tell what’s real and not.. I feel very fond of this guy even with the other side of me feeling the exact opposite.
It’s just so angering.
It makes me feel sick to have to be his friend but I also want to???
I don’t even really know who I am or what I want in life because I’ve spent so long pleasing everyone but myself.. part of being with him would be a way of pleasing myself.. but at the same time I have a lot of fear around some things about him that just aren’t gonna guarantee a safe future in some aspects (freedom to live wherever I want, the fact that I can’t control how he treats himself, I can’t control his family, etc.).
Feelings are very very confused and back and forth and violently tumultuous.
Please help