I'm in my 30s (F). First generation Canadian born to Asian immigrants. It's going to be a long vent but I did want some insight on a question.
How do I deal with feeling shame about my dysfunctional family when other people are introduced to them because my family are far from "normal" or being mentally healthy. My dad is a hoarder, emotionally controlling. My mom is a shut in, has social anxiety (not diagnosed but based on my observations – she doesn't have any friends or good family relationships, very lonely). I have a younger sibling who has also suffered so much as a consequence of how we were raised and I see them struggling to try and achieve things/do things in life because my parents essentially said they're not good enough to do anything. Despite that, my sibling loves us all so much and does what they can to take care of us/help us.
This comes as a question because I've introduced my friends in the past and they've been nice but they have mentioned things to me (while I vented about my family) that they thought were odd. Although I feel they're more understanding because they are also children of immigrant parents, working labour jobs without education too, struggling to make ends meet. Their parents also have issues (e.g. narcissism, bipolar) so it seems like we understand each other's struggles. Also the struggle of growing up poor.
I've been dating my current partner for 3 years now. His parents immigrated here too, but currently are well off (upper middle class). My partner never struggled like I did financially. And it doesn't seem like he had to deal with the same issues I did or friends did with our parents struggling with mental health issues. My partner is nice with my family, gets along with my sibling well. But there are some things he doesn't understand about us. Like why my family is overly frugal to a seemingly unhealthy point (e.g. my parents would keep leftovers too long and eat it, although it's not good to eat anymore and will sometimes one of us feels a bit sick after eating it. Hoarding. Etc.) I told him we grew up poor and are still barely making ends meet so it's hard for my family to break out of that mindset. Although I've talked to them about these habits that could harm them, they're stuck in their way. Also behavioural things we do like bending over backwards for each other/people pleasing to the detriments of ourselves.
Me spending time with each of our families makes me feel so… Confused. Like, I feel rather sad about my family and how they aren't mentally healthy. This extends to myself. I feel ashamed of my mental health issues where my partner doesn't struggle in the same way. I just feel so gross and broke and ashamed of me. I mostly just feel sad about myself and by extension, feel sad that my family is seemingly the same way. But my BF's family is "normal". I know every family has their problems and issues. He's shared me his family problems and I know things aren't perfect. But things like my family eating and making food that probably isn't good for others to eat makes me feel embarrassed. And if I try to make suggestions to my family, they just go along with it for a short while or say yes to my face, but do it the way they want (e.g. preparing food).
Im just venting at this point. I really love my family, but at the same time there is a sadness I feel and a bit of shame which I feel really sad about feeling towards them. Can someone help me navigate this?