I don’t know how to explain it, but I feel like I’m slowly losing myself and sense of self. I used to have some clarity, but over these past few months it feels like I’ve been slowly slipping away and being taken over by mental illness.
I feel like my moments of being able to think clearly are becoming more and more rare.
In the beginning I’d have rare moments of losing clarity, but now I have rare moments of any clarity.
It literally feels like a shift in self. Almost like someone flipped a switch and all of a sudden I’m back, but it only lasts a few seconds to maybe a few minutes if I’m lucky.
I feel like for the first time in my life I don’t actually want to die, but my mentally ill self is taking more and more control of myself.
I feel like I’m just at the edge and I can fall any minute. I feel like my mentally ill self is dragging me toward them and I’m desperately trying to claw myself back.
I know I need to get help. I know I need to be honest with my psych team. When I have clarity I feel capable despite my fear and for a couple sessions I was able to kind of bring it up, so now I have a safety plan.
However, I haven’t been fully honest. I haven’t been able to force myself to explain my suicidal thoughts that swirl around in my head near 24/7.
I’m scared how they’ll react. I absolutely do not want to get hospitalized again. Every time I ended up there all I felt was regret for not going through with it. Every time I go I lose more faith in the current mental health resources. I know some people have a better experience, but I can’t risk it anymore.
I feel like if I get to the place where I’m genuinely considering suicide I’ll be unable to stop myself. I feel like it would be the last and final attempt where I actually succeed.
But I don’t want to die. For the first time in my life I actually want to live and if I want to live I’ll have to face one of my biggest fears that led to a lot of trauma. I know if I don’t want to end up there I’ll have to be a little more honest.
I knew from the very beginning I should have said something, but I wasn’t ready at the time. I’m only just starting to feel a little comfortable with my psych team which is allowing me to be a little more honest, but I’m not confident or comfortable enough to be fully honest.
I don’t want to die, but I definitely don’t want to end up in the hospital. I can’t. There’s too many risks. I have no one to care for my pets. They don’t deserve to be left alone locked up for possibly weeks.