I've dealt with some form of self-deprecating thought process, suicidal ideation, and self-injurious tendency nearly my whole life. Since like 3rd grade. Fun times.
Currently, I'm laying in bed and thinking about slicing my wrist open. I keep thinking about how I should just kill myself. I feel I'm invalid in my mind because my problems aren't as bad as others or I've been clean from cutting for a while. But I feel so deep in it sometimes. I also have horrible self-esteem so I put everyone else in my life on a pedestal. I am not as smart or as creative or as amazing in general as they are.
My point is that I have these thoguht processes while fully rested so why are they so much worse and deeper and darker when I'm tired. I've currently been up since about 730a and it is midnight. I know "if you Hate [subject], [self-care/basic need]" but I want to know what makes me wanna walk away from this house full of caring and adoring people and end it all at, for example, 3am. The later, if not we'll distracted, the worse the frequency and pain gets.
Do you know?
Thanks so much. Stay strong. I belive in you. You are enough.