I feel like I’m trapped. I’m in a situation I don’t know how to get out of.
I live an objectively comfortable and pleasant life. Like it’s not perfect for sure, but I have a roof over my head and a prosperous family that loves me. I will never be homeless, or hungry. I’m working a job that I fucking LOVE, and while I won’t be here forever, my prospects for the future of my career in my dream industry are brighter than almost anyone else trying to pursue the same line of work.
But I have no control over my emotions. Even slightly unhappy things can send me into a complete tailspin. I’ve been through some rather tragic familial circumstances and came out on top, so I thought that’d make me tough enough to pull through my week-to-week inconveniences. But every negative thought I have somedays turns into instant catastrophiziation.
I feel like I don’t have any control over my time. I can’t control what I do when my time becomes unstructured, and I end up just wasting away motionless in my apartment.
I often find myself consumed by suicidal thoughts. Don’t worry, I WANT to live, and I’d never actually do it. But the suicidal fantasies just won’t go away, and they make me feel like a monster.
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The real crux of my issue is seeking any sort of external help feels like hyperentitlement on my part. To talk to a friend would be to make them feel like they have to carry my burdens and walk on eggshells. To call 988 would be to tie up emergency resources for the sake of someone who doesn’t need them.
I’ve tried reaching out to therapists in my area. The only clinic accepting new patients is a clinic designed specifically for women and queer clients. I’m a homosexual man, and I experience very little homophobia; like I said, my family loves me. At best, I’d be tying up resources that are meant for someone in worse circumstances than I, and at worst, I’d feel like a threat to the more marginalized people there.
I don’t even know that I’m necessarily looking for feedback. I just need someplace to bitch that can’t bite me in the ass.