i can’t for the life of me determine how to put my thoughts into words in a cohesive manner, so please bear with me.
I’ll start by saying i’m nearly 17, still very young and inexperienced about life. i’ve never had therapy or any type of evaluation in anyway, despite the recommendation of several people that i do so. i’ve posted here about issues few times before, as the concept of asking for help is still very new to me.
onto my actual problem:
i feel as though people have expectations for me. not necessarily benchmarks they want me to reach, but actions they expect me to take. i feel that they expect me to treat certain people in certain ways, be of a certain competency in regards to certain subjects, that sort of thing. i know these expectations are largely of my own creation, something that exists within my own mind. despite this, i am unable to escape their grip on me.
i am a very lonely person. i have few “friends” in real life, and the ones i have are more than likely only my friends from a place of pity. we have little to nothing in common and, especially in recent times, they have been visibly annoyed when i have interacted with them. this is a subject i’ll touch on more later. this loneliness means that i want to keep what i have, and will try my best to ensure anyone, that i don’t dislike, thinks of me fondly. even with my online friends, which whom i am much closer, i feel this way.
how does this connect? i am afraid that if i change, even if it’s for the better, those who i have will not like me anymore. i my fear has been backed up by the appeared annoyance in my “friend”’s eyes when i speak with them, as i have been slowly trying to implement my internal progress into the character i project.
these friends knew me when i was bitter and mean. when i would make fun out of people just for the sake of it. i wish to be different, and i have become so, feeling remorse when i make such jokes. but, i still make them out of perceived necessity. i feel like i have to meet their expectations to keep them around, that they won’t like a new version of me.
this whole thing is further evidenced by the differences in my behavior between people i already know, people i have met only recently, and people i don’t know. the more recently i’ve met someone, the softer i speak, the more polite and of good taste my jokes are, and the less i put others down while in their presence. this goes in the opposite direction as well.
this habit extends even into matters as trivial as video games, where among long-time friends, i will yell and get angry about my own poor performance because i think they expect me to be good. i feel like i need to make an excuse for my poor performance for them to still like me. i act this way in most matters of my life.
there is no one in this world who i feel will like me regardless of how i change, not even my own father. i know he would accept me but i still fear being open with even him. whether it’s about my mental health, my abandonment of traditional masculinity, or anything that would show weakness. i feel like he expects me to be strong, so i must be strong in his eyes.
what can i really do?
more information can be given upon request, but the length of my post is lagging my phone.