Hello everyone. (I hope I am not writing too much)
I have multiple problems. I never really felt happiness and things were not right, probably because I came from and still live in a very problematic household (violence, toxicity, …). I had a lack of motivation for everything and knew something was wrong (not knowing what), but I still was able to feel happy for small periods every now and then. That change to new levels of pain since the beginning of the year.
My Christmas holidays where nice and I started very happy into the last part of my A-levels. That was even amplified when a girl from school texted me and wanted to get to know me. This all peaked at valentine’s day when I felt a complete carefreeness. I for the first time fell in love with someone, although I’m already 19. I saw here as an kind of angel who saves me from myself. The problem was, that first she showed me much interest, but when I fell in love she showed me less and less interest. Furthermore, she came out of an toxic relationship, she is in therapy, but I believe I also missjudged her personality. This ended up in her blocking and ghosting me in real life. **That is were my depression was “truely” unfolded I believe**.
Since I lost that person with whoem I can have deep conversations, I realized how bad my condition is. I thought she would guide me into an carefree live, like I was born again. But that gate into a live woth living is now closed. I now realize how big my self-hatred, fears, worries and lack of love is. When I fell in love with her, I had the urge to only live for her and give her my life as a present. I realized I don’t want to live for myself, only for her. I understood that I don’t even know what I living for myself means. It is way to exhausting for me.
I am probably at the wrong time at the wrong place but, that made me really release the darkest of myself. I started to hate me in new dimensions, although when I tried to reach out to her, she told me I did nothing wrong. Of course I did something wrong! I wasn’t enough for her. I’m not even enough for myself. I see myself as the devil for not being able to let her go. I can’t get her of my mind.
Now already 3 months past but it only gets worse. I cry everyday. My thoughts get worse and worse. I often looked down the staircas at schools, but wasn’t brave enough to end it here. Now I am thinking of just cutting myself. Until I am stop being afraid of doing it, I started to hope for getting a deadly disease like cancer or just getting stapped by someone or hit by a car. But that still isn’t the worst. I kinda wanna do that in front of here house. I want to show her my love with delivering my dead body as a present to her. I know how sick that is. But it would be the best for the world if I would just be eliminated from the world. There are even more things I’m not comfortable to share. But I think I can at least controll myself to not do something like that in front of her. I don’t want to hurt her after all, but it is torture not being able to get her out of my head. If she wouldn’t have wanted to get to know me, I wouldn’t even know her.
In the end I know my problems are not there because of a failed lovestory, but it is the only thing that is on my mind since months. I wish that someday I can find out how to love myself, before it’s to late. I know there is happiness, excitement and dreams inside me. I wanna become a mathematician. I am an idealist. I dream of a happy world. Flowers everywhere. “Imagine” by John Lennon is enough to describe me. I like to praise others a lot. I am polite. I am inteligent and educated. The pain just won’t go away and that self-hatred just makes me look weak to others. I want to show them my strong me
**Thank you for reading!!!** I hope you can give me some advice and I hope for everyone here, that they will get happy. You can all do it, no matter how it ends for me. There are a lot people who are way stronger than me. I trust in other people. I wish you the best!