*DISCLAIMER* This is a bit lengthy. Forgive me…
Hello, I’m stuck in a situation and I can’t get out of it so I might need some help.
My look on myself has been awful for many years (17 F). Back when I was at most 13 years old, I could convince myself that I can do something and that it will just take time. When I turned 14 I never thought like that again. Not because I didn’t want to but because I couldn’t. I’ve never been able to get myself to do anything ever since.
● I’ve always thought the worst for myself (dying with nothing, not getting anywhere in life, etc)
● I’m just gonna be blunt but I hate myself more than anyone else. Too many times I’ve thought about ending my misery or to stop trying to be something/someone.
● No matter what I wanted to do, no matter how genuine I was about trying, I couldn’t even get started.
● This may sound strange but If I was to get up and attempt to change things, I physically couldn’t. It was like there was a wall between me and whatever I wanted to do.
I want to think I’m more than what I currently do but any time that I try to think that, I can’t. Physically or mentally I am unable to get rid of it and it hurts inside.
Its getting so bad that
● I’m barely eating
● I don’t remember what being happy is supposed to feel like.
● I’ve lost all passion and enjoyment for my only 3 hobbies (Writing, drawing, and video games).
● I can’t even bring myself to write or draw anymore physically.
● I still play games but I don’t feel anything from it.
I’m starting to think that its just pointless to try and look at myself and say that I’m worth more than I think because its been my mindset for so long that I think its just permanent. I can’t even think of where to start since I haven’t been able to think positively about myself for years and that I can’t do anything because its taking a toll on my own body so I can’t get myself to even try.
I’m hurting everyone around me because its obvious that I love them but even more obvious that I don’t care for myself and that I’ve given up on trying to.
I go to therapy, take medication, etc and none of its helping at all. I’m on different depression meds for the 3rd time and I don’t feel any different than what I feel already. Therapy hasn’t worked since the 1st one I’ve had. I’m probably on my 10th one now. I’ve been to the psychiatric ward 7 times and I always went out the same way I went in. Nothing has ever worked. I’ve always felt sh**y about myself and its never been any different.
What do I do? I’m stuck, I’m hurting and I’m lost. I have no idea where to start or if I even can because its too far down. What do I do? How do I get rid of this? I want to remember what being happy and having fun feels like again. I want to be able to eat and get out of bed. I wanna try but as I said, I can’t.
Please, it hurts beyond words to describe. I need help, I don’t know what to do 😭