Sorry if this is all over the place. My parents were emotionally immature adults who should have not had kids, and I feel like I’m just alone because of it, especially taking into account my mental issues (anxiety with OCD symptoms). A lot of my mental issues stem from the way I was raised. It just hurts because I get so jealous of people who are able to talk to their parents even just about their day, I can’t. I don’t want to have any relationship with my father he always prioritised his partners over his own kids, and when there wasn’t a partner he would suddenly remember that he has kids, he’s always made it difficult for my mum her whole life even before me and my sibling were born and continued to do it after we were born after their divorce and even now while I’m 20 years old. I’ve moved out from the city I grew up in to go to uni and he’s tried to keep in contact but I genuinely don’t have the will do actually message him, I don’t care about him and quite honestly if I lost contact with him I would not mind that much. He has always tried to manipulate everyone around him and make everyone else be the bad guy while he remains the “innocent one”. Always trying to make me feel bad for things that I shouldn’t feel bad for, when I didn’t want to spend time with him as a teenager for all that he did, would be made to feel bad, I don’t have time to text him because I’m busy with uni and work, made to feel bad, not having time to go back to visit my parents, made to feel bad, brought up my childhood and how he affected it, somehow still managed to try and make me feel bad because he tried to turn the situation on me. My mother on the other hand, while I know life as a mother especially a single mother who did not have a good childhood either was hard, and I appreciate her efforts in what she did I still can’t seem to forgive her for all the things she’s done. She never truly cared about how I’m doing how my life is. She would criticise everything I did and especially make me hate myself which I’m still struggling to this day even 3 years later. She’s always prioritised my sibling and always got along with them better. When I was still in high school all I wanted was to be noticed, she would never go to any parent teacher conferences because she believed I did good and didn’t need to hear it, when I was eating lunch with her I’d be telling her how my day was and she wouldn’t even listen one bit. She never asked how high school was doing, nothing. Even now while I’m at uni she doesn’t care. I got into a relationship and not once has she really asked about him, yet she messages me about how my siblings relationship is going. Most of the time she talks to me is to ask me to borrow her money or to talk about other people. Even being in a relationship has affected me and the relationship, the way I react to things or the way my anxiety plays out, always makes me think I’m not worthy and all the negatives possible, always thinking I’m going to be left alone/abandoned. It hurts me like I wish I could freely talk to my parents I want to have functional parents I don’t want to have to rely on my friends to be my family to help me through tough situations.
All this has caused is for me as a 20 year old is to be burnt out from all my emotions, putting too much pressure on myself academically until I can’t take it, constant feeling guilty for anything I do in life, make me a people pleaser and prioritise others feeling rather than mine. And I can’t even tell them because every time I have they always make me feel bad about bringing it up, say I’m overreacting or try to deny it.
Again sorry this is all over the place I just needed to rant and get it off my chest.