Hello everyone, I’m not really sure what to do or where to turn to and I just need some advice. I have struggled with my mental health and suicidal thoughts since the age of 10, I’m 17 now so it’s been going on for a while. I have been with my boyfriend for around 5 months, when we first started dating I sat him down and told him about all of it and let him know how bad it gets sometimes. I told him that if he thought it would be too much then I wouldn’t blame him for leaving and trying to find someone less insane, he told me to stop being stupid and I’m very glad he did. I was doing a lot better for a while I think mostly due to being in a new relationship and making a few new friends, however lately I have been feeling worse and worse and it’s getting too bad to hide anymore. A few days ago we were out at a college event and I had a really bad panic attack and ended up trying to leave, he doesn’t know but my intention was to not come back. I’m not sure how I was hoping to accomplish that but I knew I was going to do it. Then he came running after me. I tried to get him to go back but he wouldn’t. I ended up breaking down and telling him a little bit about how I feel. Something along the lines of “I’m so sorry, I just can’t be here anymore, I don’t know how much longer I can do this” when we got back to my house he seemed angry with me and immediately just said he was going to sleep. I started crying again because I didn’t know what I’d done wrong. Then he started crying too, we both just kind of sat there and held each other while we cried. I’m not going to lie, it completely broke my heart. I think he started to have a panic attack as well and through his gasps he said “I’m sorry that I’m not enough to keep you here, I just don’t know what to do” “how do I help you?” When I tell you my heart physically hurt, like genuinely I felt such a sharp pain in my chest I thought I was having a heart attack or something. Obviously after this I’m a lot more wary of telling him about stuff, I mean if he was that upset and anxious at just that then I can’t possibly tell him the full extent of how I feel can I? It’s not fair on him, but at the same time I desperately need help and he’s the only person I feel like I can really talk to.
Every time I have a breakdown my first instinct is to call him but I usually don’t. Tonight however I did but it just made me feel worse because he sounded so sad and helpless. Basically all I did was just sob down the phone which made me feel like a massive bitch because he’d already said that he was tired and wanted to go to sleep. What I’m asking is
1 – should I continue to try and deal with everything myself?
2 – should I just tell him some stuff?
3 – should I tell him everything?
4 – if I should tell him, how do I do it?
Sorry for yapping so much I just really don’t know what to do, any advice is greatly appreciated!!