i have bipolar disorder, depression, and a mixed mood disorder. as a result, i’ve had a hard time maintaining relationships, and have really hurt people that i deeply care about after them giving me so many chances to be better, so much so to the point that my ex went completely no contact with me, removed me from all his social medias and doesn’t speak to me anymore. we’ve been no contact for a month and i’d been doing a good job putting him out of my mind but recently started looking at his social media pages while under the influence, but as of last night he privated his accounts so i can’t do it anymore. the last thing he told me was that i don’t know how hard i make it to be around me.
that was a month ago and even before that we weren’t on good terms anymore so i’ve been trying to take the time to do better and learn to regulate my emotions but i can’t get past the intense guilt and self hatred i feel for pushing away people who really cared about me. every day just feels like 24 hours of self torment. i can’t be happy for too long because i feel like i don’t deserve it. i can’t entertain people who are interested in me (even though i wouldn’t because it’s too recent) because i don’t feel like i deserve to be happy with someone else after throwing away the affections of someone who genuinely wanted a future with me and was nothing but loving to me.
i just feel evil and like i’m someone who needs to be alone. i can’t forgive myself for how i made him feel and how many times i watched him ask for the bare minimum and i couldn’t give it to him. i still have extremely strong feelings for him and want to hold out hope for us, but i feel like deep down i know that he deserves someone better than me who can treat him right the first time, so i’ve always stopped myself from reaching out to him since i feel like i would just hurt him more. i thought about apologizing to him but i feel like it would only be to make myself feel better and would probably just disrupt him trying to heal from what i did to him. i just don’t know what to do. i transferred schools and moved over 1300 miles away and have thrown myself into my work to try to forget everything, but every few days everything bubbles to the surface and i break down. i just want to stop feeling like shit but i feel like i deserve it