I didn’t ask in relationship advice because this is more insecurities.
My husband cheated. Yay, fun, ugh, whatever. My problem is the fact that we were eachothers firsts and only intimate partners.
I have always wanted to just have that special intimacy between my partner and I. But realistically I can’t anymore. I cant make my husband clean of the affair and I cannot save myself for another.
It’s messing with my head. I feel dirty, I feel used. I cannot get back something I wanted so badly. I will never have that feeling or wholeness or being truly known.
The thought of being with anyone else makes me so very sick. So of course I stay with my husband.. I feel pathetic.
I’m slipping so hard mentally. I hate myself so much and I don’t see a way out. I feel like I’m going to puke just typing this. Why can’t I just get over Never being someone’s only intimate partner as they are mine. Something is wrong with me.
I’m trying so hard not to spiral again. I was just in psych last November.
(I’m in therapy btw. But I fear I’ll never work through this.)