Hi, everyone. I (29F) have always struggled with catastrophizing things (i.e. thinking of the worst-case scenario). This tendency leads me to think about and play devil’s advocate in every most situations. Recently, it’s been manifesting in my relationship with my boyfriend (30M).
We had a tough discussion today. Over the past few months, he’s been telling me about this new job opportunity that’s presented itself to him. The job is in his current industry, but the company is brand new. He was supposed to work part-time for them on the weekends since the beginning of the year, but not enough work has come in due to a lack of leads for the company. However, the company recently secured a big customer; the job for this customer is expected to take 6 months to complete. In that time, he will make the current annual salary that he makes at his full-time job. Now, my boyfriend is considering quitting his full-time job to work for this other job, especially as the 6-month job will require full-time attention. Here’s where my worrying comes in.
I’ve asked him if he thinks they’ll have work after the 6-month job is complete. I’ve also asked whether they have health insurance and other fundamental benefits. He isn’t sure. I’ve expressed my concerns to him admittedly poorly. For example, he said, “That new job starts soon!” My response was, “Do they have health insurance?” He said, “Not sure.” And I made a noise of disapproval and responded, “That’s not good.” He then said he’d rather not talk about it with me if I’m just going to be negative. He wished I was excited like he is. Here’s the part that’s really stuck with me. He said, “I’m a grown adult. Of course I’ve already thought about all these things. I don’t know why you don’t give me that credit. It’s like you think I’m stupid.” Totally valid! I see how me playing devil’s advocate and catastrophizing the situation implied that 1) I’m not happy for him and 2) don’t think he has thought about the risks.
I immediately apologized and explained I wasn’t intending to hurt his feelings or imply those things, but I understand how he perceived it. I told him I will be more mindful of how I’m coming across and that I need to be supportive. He eventually forgave my apology, but it’s now led to even more spiraling—thinking about him wanting to leave me. He didn’t threaten the relationship or anything, but whenever I disappoint or hurt someone as I did here, whether big or small, I can’t help but worry about that person walking away. It’s a vicious cycle. I know a lot of this stems from my abandonment issues commingled with general anxiety, and I know both of those things are irrational in most contexts in my life, yet I can’t stop the snowballing. Therapy is on my list of priorities, but I simply can’t afford it right now.
Does anyone have any advice regarding catastrophizing or just being the devil’s advocate/“negative Nancy” type? Dwelling like this is hurting me and those I love. It needs to end so I can be better to myself and to others.
Thank any and all of you for your time.
TL;DR – Can’t stop being a pessimist thinking about risks and bad outcomes. It’s affecting my relationship. Any advice on how to engage in healthier thinking?