My girlfriend cheated on me 5 times, but I kept going back because I couldn’t be alone again.
When I was 13, my girlfriend offed herself and I really was damaged about it. She sent me SH videos every day but I was too young to drive and stop it. When she died, I really lost faith in a lot of things.
Come 16, I found a girl, let’s call her Viv, who I dated for about 2 months before I found out she was cheating on me. This happened every month after that, until a few days ago, when she did it for the 5th time. Today, at dinner, in front of my parents, she kept angrily texting me about how I was insecure and couldn’t trust her and it was my fault she cheated because if I had just not told my parents, I could’ve still came over to her place. I couldn’t hold it in, and ended up crying at dinner in front of my parents, and used my only defense mechanism, isolation.
I’m writing this from the bathroom, as I told her about the most painful event in my life (when I was 7, I was pansted and beat up by my only friend and his older brother + his friends) and left on the playground alone and they never talked to me again, to which she said “lol” and then disregarded it.
I really have never felt this suicidal before, and I don’t know what to do. I’m on vacation so no therapy, no hospital, I pushed my parents away and I’m completely alone. I am scared I might do something I’ll regret. Please let me know, coping mechanisms don’t really work for me because my one is getting new things, and I’m broke right now