21M, been depressed for 3 years and having pretty much constant suicidal thoughts since the beginning of this year.
Even though I really want to kill myself, and have spent a lot of time planning, acquiring means, even called the hotlines when I really thought I was going to take my life one night- I haven’t managed to go through with it. I’m just too scared of the pain and start having second thoughts at the last minute- particularly about my loved ones (not about my own life- I feel no attachment to it- but I don’t want to fuck up anyone else’s).
The problem is, I’ve tried therapy for 3 years and it hasn’t helped. I’ve tried fluvoxamine and it didn’t help, now on amitriptyline but I’m inconsistent with taking it cause the brain fog side effect knocks me around so much. I’m not convinced these thoughts are going anywhere because I’ve got no desire to improve my life (because at the deepest level I want to be dead) and nothing anyone says, and nothing I read, seems to give me any reprieve at all.
On top of that I have some hard times coming up in the next few months, I’m running out of money so I need a new job after quitting my old one in January, and I’m more than halfway to uni exams but I’ve only done about an hour of uni work all year (I’m basically checked out mentally).
So I’m wondering if anyone has any advice for living with suicidal thoughts? I’ve heard stories of people just being stuck with these thoughts for years or decades, but I don’t understand how they do it. It’s unbearable and makes it so hard just to talk to anyone, get a job, literally earn enough to stay alive.
Cheers, much love to you all