Didn't know what tag to use, cuz it's both a vent and a question.
So a little back story: I recently started going to therapy and I realised that I'm terrified of my parents.
My father is the very emotional type – gets easily angry (provoked by everything), you have to worry about every word you say, after his fits he demands that you forgive him and won't leave alone you unless you do.
My mom – nothing you do is good enough, there is always a flaw. How much you sleep, what you eat, how much you use your phone, how much you study, what you wear, what cosmetics you use, how you act – everything is wrong.
I feel like they have complete control over me and now I can't make any decisions for myself. If they don't like something you do, they'll make you change it no matter what. For example, they are very religious (I'm atheist, but they don't know that ofc) and even if I had a strong fever and was sweating my ass off I always would have to go to church, there never was an excuse valid enough not to go. But I can handle that I think, just when all of what they do is combined I feel like I'm suffocating.
Another example: I went to a university for something that is completely not interesting for me. I wanted to do art and now I haven't been drawing for good 3 years, because what's the point.
They never hit me or anything like that, so I never really understood why I feel so unsafe when I'm at home.
I still don't quite understand it.
Getting to my point: how do I start to make decisions for myself and put myself first? At this point nothing interests me, I don't find joy in anything (in a way that I can see myself doing it for a longer time, not in a sense that I am depressed, becouse I don't think that's the case). I can't make the simplest decisions for myself without regretting them. I noticed that I often call them for thier approval and when I don't get it I forget it all together. I feel like I'm unfit to be an adult and to take care of myself, I can't even feed myself correctly (eating usually 1, maximum of 2 meals a day), study nor sleep regularly. I really don't know what steps to take now, I feel like I wasted every day I was alive and now I'm forever doomed.
I'm not suicidal, but I just wish I was never born.
Any tips?