I never really had many friends and I would’ve been fine with that if the people that I do have really seemed like family.
I know this is certainly not true, but I do feel like I give all I have in me to my friends and others I care for. But I don’t feel that warmth.
I don’t care for romantic relationships. I’m not in the mental state to be able to handle such a thing. But, I do like having someone to be vulnerable around, and clearly I’ve messed up somewhere, considering the fact that I haven’t felt happy in so many years.
I am an adult. I shouldn’t feel this way. Usually, I don’t, as I am distracted by my responsibilities. But in the still of night, I wish to have someone to hang out with or talk to without fearing for our relationship due to the way I am.
I don’t feel lie a major priority for anyone, and I know that shouldn’t bother me. It is unrealistic. But I can’t help but believe the people in my life have others who they’d rather be there for.
I don’t have the luxury to commit suicide. I’m in university and my sister depends on the job I get afterwards for sustenance. If I were in a position where I could kill myself and not cause my family to face a financial calamity, I would’ve certainly committed suicide years ago, without hesitation. I am not who I used to be. There is no life inside. I’m doing this for the sake of doing this.
I know I sound absolutely deranged, but I consider myself pretty capable of handling social interaction. The problem is that I really need someone to be as vulnerable around as I am here on the internet.
I took up cannabis to escape once a week. That did feel great in the moment, but the next day, it made me more miserable. I hurt myself a lot. Its effects were the same.
All I know is that I truly will have no hesitation in committing suicide the moment the weak thread I am hanging on by breaks.