I’m 19, turning 20 in a few months and in January I got diagnosed with cancer, for the past few months I’ve been undergoing chemo therapy and I just had my fourth cycle last Tuesday. I’ve had to move back in with my parents from my apartment, withdraw from the semester, and deal with all the potential things that come with chemo and now have to decide if I wanna add radiation on top of everything.
These past few months have been shit, I’m up at night and can’t sleep, my appetite is constantly screwed by the chemo, my mental problems that have been bugging me damn near my entire life have been exacerbated. I’m lost. I’ve felt lonely and isolated my whole life, I’ve never had anyone I can confidently call a friend, had no one express any desire or romantic attraction to me, or just platonic attraction in general. I literally question my reality and existence half the time and feel like a ghost most of my life. I can’t tell if I’m alive anymore.
I feel so disconnected from the world that I fear I’ve lost the ability to connect with people, I can’t fathom relationships of any kind, I can’t remember what being touched feels like. I think my brain is a ticking time bomb of existential dread, panic, and other shit to where I just can’t stay grounded to reality anymore. I sometimes wish I didn’t make it to 18 years old, I sometimes wish I did end it all in high school, because I hate the current time period I’m in. I’m so bitter, jealous, resentful, disconnected, angry, scared, and just want it all to end. I don’t know where I took a wrong turn or where I possibly could’ve screwed my life up at, but I hate it. I hate feeling like a ghost, or a corpse with an explosive as his brain slowly ticking until it finally blows.
What’s wrong with me?