Hello,
I’ll try to briefly describe what happened. The incident is in no way recent. I’m a 27F and my mom is 55F. My mom has suffered from deppression after having me (she also had my brother), and has been in therapy for a year due to a situation with my grandparents.
The thing is, one of my uncle’s (I have 3, but this one I’ve never known) came to live with my grandpa’s a few months ago. He’s the black sheep of the family, everyone else in our family has always been really close, but he’s always gone off to rob, scam and live over his possibilities, disappearing for years at a time and only coming back to ask for money. I won’t go into much detail, but he’s been abusing of my grandpa’s verbally and a few days ago my mom and I got into an altercation with him over this, which led to fisical aggression, the police involved etc.
In the struggle, my mom screamed at him (in front of my grandparents and my other uncles which came to protect my mom after they heard the abusive one hitting her), that his brother in law (I’m not sure I’m spelling it correctly, the brother of my uncle’s wife), raped her in a car when they were young (around when she was 18). This was brand new information for everyone.
She told me later that her phsycologist has been hinting at her to open up about it, but has been respecting her little steps to open up. Which I respect.
The thing is she has prohibited me to talk to her about it and anyone else. I can’t even mention it. And honestly? I understand. I totally do, I RESPECT it because she’s a victim first of all. She doesn’t want my father to find out, because she thinks he won’t want her anymore (they’ve been together 30 years, madly in love, grandchildren etc…). And it’s not my position to do or say anything.
To be honest, I may be 27, but I’ve been taking care of my grandparents, and partly my mom for years now. For my grandparents, phsyquically due to their age and my mom, emotionally because she’s been all over the place due to them for years. And I know it’s responsabilities that I’ve brought upon myself, and my therapists says I should stop being a “mom” to them, but I love them, I love my family and all I want is to all be happy together and live peacefully. I would give up my life if I could. But it never comes, no matter what I do, I keep hitting wall after wall. And I’m exhausted. All of the situation is beating my will to live out of me.
My grandparent’s being abused, my uncle being a deranged time bomb which never knows when he’ll explode, my mom being totally unstable due to them and not being able to help her, my other uncles totally destroyed due to everything, plus all the legal shit I’ve been moving today to try and kick out my uncle from my grandpa’s house because the police can’t take him out, and he won’t leave even if my grandparents want him OUT. My dad’s mom (my other grandma which I also loved madly) also passed away recently and I’m also trying to deal with grief as I deal with all of this too. If this was a one time thing, or a few months… But it’s been years. YEARS.
I’ve been as composed as I’ve been able to all the time. I also study and work full time. I deal with my own problems and illness. I try not to bother anyone with my burdens, my feelings, I try to carry everything by myself and always lend a helping hand, or a shoulder to cry one. Always trying to put peace, rationalize, mediate so everyone is well. Do the right thing, be composed and face right on the problems and deal with them. Problem after problem, because every day, EVERY DAY there’s a problem to deal with all of them. A fight, a misunderstanding, a problem, complaints.
And it’s like after my mom confessed that, my mind finally cracked.
For some reason, my mind has hyperfixed on that fact (which I’m not saying it’s something light, I wish I could erase that part of her life, make it go away, make all the pain and all that she carries lighter), and it’s eating me alive. I can’t sleep, I can’t eat, my mind is a loop constantly thinking about it. My mind is constantly trying to picture the scenario. I get constant tachycardia to the point yesterday I thought I was having a heart attack, and even tho I’ve never done it, took a pill to knock me out. I wish I could say I got a good night sleep for it, but I only got to sleep 2h.
I can’t talk to it to my therapist, because we share the same one and she doesn’t want her to know either yet. And I honestly don’t know what to do anymore. I feel like my life is in shambles, everything is burning down, and the only thing that I’ve ever wanted(my family, happy and united), doesn’t exist anymore.