i have reached my witts end & i am no longer sure what i should do. there are so many sub categories of things that are going on within me that i truly don’t know where to start.
i can’t keep a job. between 2022-2024 – i’ve had & lost over 20 jobs. possibly more. i cannot concentrate for long periods of time. in 2022 i was diagnosed with severe depression, generalized anxiety, social anxiety & PTSD then in January 2024 i was diagnosed with an eating disorder called Arfid. there are days i don’t have the energy to move – not because i don’t want to but because my legs literally give out from underneath me the moment i attempt to work or do anything productive. fast forward to now, i’ve recently started a new job that is high maintenance & fast paced. this is actually a job i’ve wanted for many years but i feel completely destroyed after i clock out. sharp & throbbing pains shoot throughout my legs. my entire being feels fatigued. i barely have any energy to eat & i can’t fall asleep until very late into the night & i have to work very early. this job is full time with good money & of course the hours are long. 12 hour days in a Dr’s Office. Covid, Flu, & everything else I have been seeing on the rise again & I’ve been in constant fear that i will get sick because i have a very weak immune system & my body does not handle sickness of any kind well.
i have tried everything i could get my hands on. therapy, cbd, diet changes, sleep medicine, less social media & screen time, supplements & vitamins…i’m not sure what else to do & it’s left me in a state of feeling like i don’t know what the point of anything is anymore. i do not have any family support – they may as well not even exist in my world anymore because of how they distanced themselves from me. i do not have any friends & i haven’t had any since 2016 when my social anxiety began to run rampant. it took years for me to just feel comfortable going to the store by myself. i was fortune enough to be in a relationship for the last 5 years but it’s been tumultuous to say the least. my bf is also just about done with me & said if i lose one more job he would leave me..which i can understand. i can’t pull my end. i bring nothing to the table but headaches & complications. i have had several SA’s within the last few years – the last one being in 2023. my bf has told me that “no one feels bad because you won’t actually k-ll yourself”.
maybe i am complaining about things that are extremely minor & trivial & i apologize if i am. i understand that their are sooo much more real issues going on in the world. lately i’ve just been feeling like the world would just be better off without me. i can’t afford treatment & i can’t even afford to feed myself at the moment. i’d be one less disappoint anyone would have to deal with or listen to.