I just just turned twenty and I’m completely lost. I’m not sure of anything anymore. I suck at my job, I suck at my hobbies, and I can’t even bring myself to do them or even care about them anymore. I’m lonely because I’m not good at making friends or good at bettering my friendships with my small amount of existing friends because I’m deathly afraid of doing something stupid and losing them because it’s happened before and it was entirely my fault. I still regret it to this day. I’m trans mtf as I’ve wanted to be a girl since I was extremely little but when my parents found out they forbid me from exploring it or even talking about it, so I’m long past the time where some things have become irreversible so I’m trapped like this now. I feel ugly and disgusting and I’m overweight. When I look at myself all I can see is this giant, awkwardly moving, sculking sack of acne riddled filth. I don’t know if I will ever be able to successfully transition which sentences the life I’d been dreaming of since I was a child to death. I’ve completely lost vision for what I want to do in life and I can’t really care for anything. I desperately do not want to have to deal with this life or the stress of it anymore and especially not the 57 years on average I have left of it. But I don’t want to die, and I couldn’t bring myself to do anything even if I wanted to, yet I still can’t find any meaning in staying here. Every time I’m outside or at work I feel like this bizarre fidgety freak. I feel entirely trapped, lost, confused, and hopeless. I feel like I’m going absolutely insane and I just want desperately to feel better but I just don’t know how!
