I am the type of person where I can look like I’m fine when I’m really not. I will always try my best to be cheerful and positive even if things are not as bright and I’ll try and do this for the people around me.
I am a new teacher on my first ECT and I feel my job is constantly giving all of myself to my students and my colleuges and trying to do my best and I do tend to burn out ALOT. I put my heart and soul into what I’m trying to accomplish and I feel like it’s not enough.
I have a gem of a boyfriend who always says the right things and shows me he loves me. But my brain always makes me think and feel that I don’t deserve his love. I almost feel like he must be faking loving me because he seems so overly happy and looks at me like I’m the love of his life. This may be true, but I just don’t see it in myself. I think he’s the best thing since sliced bread!
The trouble is, I can never seem to feel content with any partner I have, and I’m certain that this is completely to do with how insecure I am as a person.
An extra layer to this is that whole saying of ‘you can’t love someone until you love yourself’ I think about that a lot and ruminate over it a little too much.
Growing up I felt like I always put my friends first and If I had put myself first I was deemed as selfish at times, I don’t know If I’m just the type of person to go to both extremes maybe?
I don’t have my parents in my life anymore and I think that has affected this to a degree. My mum died quite suddenly 2 years ago from lung cancer when I was 25 and my dad started a legal dispute against me and my sibllings my mums will, I don’t talk to him anymore due to this and to be honest I am very fightend of him.
I look at myself I don’t see how people love me or find me attractive. I can see this in other people but I do seem to believe more of my flaws than my good qualities, I know I have them but I feel my flaws more deeply.
I wish could feel more secure about myself and my life. I feel like I consistently put validation of other people before how I feel about things and I cannot seem to let go of the past, or stop worrying about the future.
I find it so hard to stay in the present and actually be aware of what’s happening or whats going on and I just wish I could feel content and happy. and realise how lucky I am instead of being sad for what I don’t or what I will eventually/and/or potentially lose.
Sometimes things really do get too much and I feel that this kind of life isn’t for me, work, relationships, family, capitalism. I find it all entirely overwhelming to deal with and I would just rather not.