vent
I (19f) have felt so utterly strange for most of my life. I keep going through life and feeling as if this just can’t be what the standard experience is.
I’m only now writing this post as a way to vent about all of this because I feel like I can’t take it anymore. Writing this is the only way I can get myself to calm down. I just got done sobbing for what feels like the millionth time for seemingly no reason at all.
It feels like everyone is so far away from me and i’ve never felt more alone and isolated. I have friends, and I talk to people but it feels like no one actually knows me? Like im constantly trying to keep up these relationships but there’s something I have to hide from everyone? And im so exhausted trying to figure out the right thing to say and the right thing to do to make sure that no one notices something is wrong.
Even now i feel like i can’t write everything. It’s like I need to tailor everything I say to be an exact way, and I do the same with my personality, to everyone I talk to and I don’t think I know who I am? Does everyone feel like they need to perform all the time?
Everything always feels like too much. It’s like i’m thinking a million different things but I can barely focus on 1. By all standards, my life is just fine, but it just feels like everything is falling apart sometimes and i just keep making mistakes trying to keep up.
I have these moments of the most intense emotion, sobbing and feeling like I need to rip of my skin for seemingly no reason at all? I get this feeling like there’s fire or bugs crawling under me and I want to scratch my skin off. I’m anxious all the time and there’s never any peace. Even when i’m supposed to be happy i just want to cry.
My memories feel so scattered and I feel like i’m fucking them up even more by trying to look back at them but i’m just trying to make sense of everything.
I don’t even begin to know how to fix this. I keep googling different things and symptoms and things feel close but nothing feels quite right.
I just pray that i’ll figure it out one day and i don’t have to feel like shit forever.