This might be a suicide note, but I’m not sure.
I think I really fucked up and I can’t fix anything. I’ve wasted so much time and I hate everything about myself. Every little fucking thing I hate. Everything I hate it hate hate hate. I am always in so much emotional pain, I don’t know what to do with myself anymore. I am quite literally useless. I can’t do this I seriously cannot. How do people even do this?
I am a full time university student who enjoys writing and reading. I am not anything special to look at, and I haven’t done much that I am proud of. I think I have a few mental health issues, I used to be a really good student, and I think that overall, I am a decent person. I am also quite broke, and I have a few nice friends, but not the kind that you can share things with in complete ease.
I don’t think I’ve ever been first for anything in my life; I don’t think I’ve ever been loved more than I have loved someone else and I am so tired. I feel so gross and that there is no possibility that I will ever be put first; I am nobody’s friend, nobody’s person, nobody’s anything. I feel like I am rotting from the inside and living is so hard and painful. I haven’t even been hugged in so long. I don’t want to be bothered because I don’t know what to believe anymore; everyone loves conditionally when I always love unconditionally and it hurts so bad.
To sum a few things up, I don’t believe that a lot of people feel love for someone else; at least the kind that is unconditional. And if it does exist, I think it’s rare. I have thus far aways loved people unconditionally. They could turn into a three headed snake overnight and I would love them, etc. But in my life, and amongst my people, I am undoubtedly the only one. There is not a single person in my life who cares about me as much as I care about them. I am always singled out. People always seem to have one person that they can always turn to: whether brothers, parent/child, best friends, lovers. I don’t believe this kind of love is necessarily unconditional though, so I’m not envious of it. But even so, I don’t think I would ever know; I’ve never been loved equally or more.
If you are at all familiar with BPD, (borderline personality disorder) you will probably be familiar with what an FP is, (favourite person) and what an FP means to someone who is borderline. Well, though I am not BPD, the closest thing I can compare my feelings towards the people who have been substantial to me, is like having a FP. I have had 3 FP in my life thus far, and it was always to the point where I would literally die for them because of how strong my love for them was. Only issue was, my feelings (I don’t think) have never been reciprocated. I have never been loved like I love.
I have recently come to the realization that I am utterly and completely alone in a world that I am already struggling in, and that none of it will get better. I am so tired of loving people and I am so tired of being so insufferable. I live for something I will never get: a love that will match mine. This is driving me to the brink of insanity. My grades have become terrible, my mental health is declining rapidly, I’ve lost so much weight, I think I even hallucinate occasionally, (I was supposed to be getting evaluated for that) I am always asleep and I can’t even show up to work or school.
This is so pathetic and I really want to die but without anyone even knowing. I don’t even want anyone to regard my death. I think all the happiness I’ve ever felt was based on “validation” that was false! I don’t think anyone’s ever told me the truth before about how they really feel about me. Everyone who’s ever claimed to love me was lying, or regards me in a WAYYY lesser light than I have ever regarded them. Is this even possible? I am so fucked. I don’t believe anyone, I don’t trust anyone, I hate how my life turned out.
I also cannot find a reason to be loved, which further makes things worse. I have a lot of scars, (both surgical and other) I am not special or talented, and I’m sad most of the time.
I’ll never be seen by anyone and I can’t even explain what “seen” means. I did this to myself I think, and I may have even made it worse by completely isolating for the past year or so. I’ve never given myself (aside from my FP) a chance to even know people either; that’s all because of insecurities though, and it always comes back to that. I am so lost—I don’t think I’ll ever live a normal life. And I think I’ll regret that too. I haven’t been happy ever. I actually don’t want to be happy again because that allows for a possibility that I’ll be even sadder again/that everything has potential to be taken away from me.
I don’t want to be happy again, I don’t ever want to feel secure, even though I am craving that, and even though it might save me. I don’t want to be happy again. I don’t want more fake reasons to keep living. And all that stuff about “living for myself” and “being my own person,” yes, that would be really nice (albeit a little sad¿ maybe) but I will never get there anyway cause even that is too hard for me.
I have always loved/centered my life around the people I love (my FP, specifically.) And every single time, I am told I mean a lot to them, and every single time, it’s like it’s taken back again after they find someone new. It feels a lot like a sick sense of emotional abandonment. Of course, I know that people don’t owe me love/commitment of any kind. All I’m saying is that I am sick by how hurt I am because of it. I don’t want to be this way—I am so disgusted with myself. I should not feel this way. But I can’t help it, and I doubt that I’ll ever change. I cannot keep living like this though, so I want to end it.
This is going to be so hard and messy to clean up, so I’d rather just honour myself by allowing myself to die as the mess that I am.
Thank you to everyone who has read this.