like i (17f) put in the title, i feel like something is just off about me. i can’t remember where or when my depression started. i think maybe it’s always been there because i used to get the same feeling of not being sad but not being happy either as a child. it got worse once i got to middle school but because i didn’t know how to handle it or how to communicate it, i just brushed it off thinking it would eventually get better. but instead once i reached high school it just kept going downhill until eventually i had to drop out and switch to an alternative school mid senior year. for my 4 years of high school i was just empty and couldn’t think of a real future for myself. all i could do was just try to get to the end of the week. the days all became the same and mushed together and i’ve lost all sense of time. i lost about twenty pounds from loss of appetite, which was an unnecessary twenty pounds, so im almost but not yet underweight. i started smoking weed as a cope and it helped me gain weight and bring my mood back up but i can’t afford to constantly buy and i live at home so i can’t just comfortably smoke alone. i like being high. it feels like im finally normal when i smoke. when im sober i feel angry or violently depressed and get short tempered and reactive to everything. i just want to be a normal person. i wanna do all the things i used to love.
