I feel I need to put a context to explain what happened. I will not go into details but I’ll be as direct as possible.
A few months ago (specifically February) I went with my family to an arcade zone to play bowling. I went with the mindset of playing bowling and nothing else (it’s kinda difficult for me to try new things) there was a huuuuge line to wait our turn to play, so we decided to play in the arcade in the meantime. Everything was good. Until they started to ask me if I wanted to try the bumper cars, or the go karts. I kindly said no since (what I said earlier) and… they started to insist, I said no. Until they started to get mad at me for not trying it. Idk, I didn’t felt like it, but… it sure made me feel bad about myself, and the comments “idk why we even came here” only worse it. Until…
I disconnect, literally. I felt dead in life. I had no emotions, all was pure negativity and numbness, I felt desperate and wanting to not feel like that, but I was deep down in that hole that it was going to be difficult to get out. I just wanted to go home and shut myself down in my bedroom and rot. I told everyone that I wanted to leave and not play bowling anymore. They all look so disappointed and mad at me. Past traumas started to flow, I even thought that they were going to kill me (speaking figuratively of course) when we get home. I wanted to redeem my mistake but we didn’t know if our turn was still available. I wanted to cooperate but I was feeling so fucking disconnect from reality that I wasn’t able to move on my own. Luckily my grandma helped me and claim our turn, and ended playing as planned. As the game progressed I started to feel better and more alive. But looking back that experience was scary, because, when everything seemed like I fucked it up, I was desperately “planning” on running away, find the most near bright and… y’know, you’re smart enough.
What was that??? I’m so confused about what was that… should I worry about it???
PD: we were celebrating my birthday 🙃