Hello Users,
I have a very polluted mind. I am aware but I don’t know what to do about it. It’s filled with jealousy and hatred. I don’t even know where to start to identify the problem. I wasn’t like this before, or if I was but I wasn’t conscious about it, although it didn’t feel like it. I started blaming everything and everyone for these feelings, my genetics, parents, religion, culture, school life, myself, god, what not. Since I’m a teenager, I don’t know if these feelings are true. I doubt them and try to suppress them a lot. It’s not even like I’m addicted to porn, or eat bad. I live with my family, eat healthy, regularly exercise(not work out), but my social life isn’t that great. I don’t appreciate things I should. I fear this is going to destroy me, my future, and any chance of getting a life. I’m not determined either. I feel disconnected from god, nation, people because I have to look towards the other side of the world to find it. I’m an immigrant. I enjoy cultures, not like I hate it, but there’s short outbursts of jealousy that come up, and me being aware of it, trying to suppress it and smile. Sometimes it changes and I get genuinely happy. For example, a girl I liked a lot was one of my competitors in the class, she got two awards and I got one. One of which she got was my primary field of study or mastery. I couldn’t get the award as I wasn’t qualified on paper, even though having the skills on hand(she took two course while I took one as I joined late because I wasn’t aware of this system), big setback. I was genuinely happy for her and then suddenly my smile faded away and I started hating myself, forcing the smile back up. I’m glad from the inside she’s gonna go to a good college, or maybe not, but I hate myself. If I cannot purify this mind, I don’t wanna aim for big achievements. I won’t deserve them nor will I get them.
