Lately ive been dealing with a lot of issues and i dont want to self-diagnose with anything but when i bring it up to my therapist and psychiatrist they just brush off my concerns.
ive been diagnosed with a plethora of disorders and i dont believe them except maybe bpd. ive been diagnosed with bpd, bipolar, schizoaffective, mdd, gad, and adhd. my problem is that even though i do hallucinate and i have had a lot of delusions in the past, i think its not schizoaffective. the voices in my head have their own personalities and influence my behavior and decisions and help me navigate life. and when i get stressed or uncomfortable they comfort me and take care of me but sometimes they scare me too. and sometimes i feel like im completely different like sometimes i feel like different ages and i feel different abt everything. when this first started, almost 10 years ago, i hallucinated and saw this lady who claimed to be my mother and shes been the main one in my head taking care of me and “handling” certain situations for me.
my actual mom thinks i have cptsd which i dont know a lot abt but i do get flashbacks all the time and i guess i dissociate a lot. i especially dissociate more than ever these days and i dont know how to deal with it. especially when im hanging out with someone and i start acting younger and like i cant control it. especially when im being intimate with my partner i cant help but dissociate and i guess i feel younger and i dont even know how to tell him so i dont really plan on telling him. like ive told him how sometimes i dissociate and sometimes i dont feel like myself or in control of my actions and thoughts and how i have voices in my head but i havent told him that when we’re intimate i either feel a lot older or a lot younger.
my therapist keeps bringing up the idea that i may be faking for attention but she says thats because i said i dont think there’s anything wrong with me but i said that because one of the voices in my head doesnt think theres anything wrong with me. my psychiatrist keeps trying to give me medications but im scared of meds now because one of them gave me a tumor and some of them made me pass out and another one made me gain like 20+ lbs and im tired of taking pills. and now hes gaslighting me into believing i havent taken abilify but i have and i didnt feel any better. at least i dont think i did. i quit all my medication like 2-3+ months ago i think(just abruptly stopped) and i think i feel relatively the same except more stressed but thats because im in college now and im exhausted.
can someone please help me? idek what to do. i just dont know if my psychiatrist is trying to manipulate me into buying more medication because he keeps saying ill drop out if i dont take them.