at my session today we tapped into some stuff that ended in me basically openly weeping in front of my therapist.
she helped me realize that I've uh, felt alone my whole life. which is funny cuz, thats something I've said before. I've written it, I've felt it. for some reason though, today I realized just how LONG I've been lonely for. feeling isolated. desperately wanting and hoping to not be alone, but terrified of letting someone in. holy man, does the thought hurt.
I don't recall a time in my life I didn't feel lonely. so I search for companionship, love, acceptance, and equally push opportunities of that away because- how could someone actually want that with me anyways? it's just so hard to believe. impossible, I'd say. I guess that's why we're working on my self worth in therapy.
i dunno. it's both healing and has left me shattered. it's like the wound has been festering so long I was able to block out the pain, become used to it; and now that I've become aware of it again, it's like… I'm grieving my whole life.
anyways. idk if anyone will read this. I don't expect anyone to. I just needed somewhere to get some thoughts out, I guess.