I’m just gonna list things in a least to greatest format
*37 and back at home due to wanting to leave my current state but that plan has gone up in smoke due to unforseen financial circumstances that are for good academic reasons for my daughter but I feel awful complaining about it.
*I have a bachelor’s degree (big whoop) and due to being unable to pay my student loans back I decided to fight debt with debt by going back to school for a masters in which my experience in the field is not the best or even considered
*I work in health insurance as a claims reviewer for the past 2 years and been with the company 6 years in total even with 2 years of leadership experience. My co.pany was bought out a few years ago and it’s been hell trying to get any other department to even review my resume let alone get a damn interview.
*trying to find little things to do that I’m interested in and could bring me joy like cooking or growing a garden and it comes out subpar or I kill it or when I do actually do a good job, the lack of a happy response from others diminishes
*the fact I’m 37 turning 38 soon and feeling that time is running out and panic along with worthlessness, self loathing, and a general overall feeling of being stuck and nothing progressing in a good way has put me in a pretty depressive state not to mention the standard appearance issues thinking I’m going to have a heart attack or the dementia will set in at any moment
*my father who is the main money maker in the home has made it quite clear he doesn’t care about his health and continues to smoke even after a COPD diagnosis, couple hospital stays on top of diabetes which puts everything above into hyper focus as I need to do well to take care of the rest of my family
*I’m a single mother to a teenage daughter and really really just trying to do better for her and set a good example but end up having to crush her dreams as I’m not making enough or capable of making any of our plans happen.
*then the existential feeling of “why are you so worried about doing well….the world I’d gonna end soon anyways” because the amount of war, civil unrest, the “its been almost 250 years and empires don’t last that long” feeling (looking at you USA) and the potential asteroid fucking with our planets trajectory in the next couple years…..kinda really sorta is the icing on my sad, sad cake.
If you made it this far, thank you for listening at least and I hope you’re finding peace 🖤