Hello all,
For a very long time I’ve always felt like something was different about me. Now, I have a diagnosis for ASD, but even then, it feels like that there is something else there that only I seem to be innately aware of (and if it is there, then perhaps it shows itself to people I’m close with). I’m worried that this presence may be some kind of narcissistic personality that lives in my subconscious. Let me explain why:
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I think I have a distorted self image of myself. I’ve always known that I was different from others, and others would know it too. As much as I admit to people that I am not perfect, and my imperfections as soon as possible, I think that the wish to do that is really just a mask and a lie to myself to hide my self-centeredness. Why? Because I can’t see past it. I can’t think really any deeper than beyond “I want to do that”. Furthermore, self centeredness is something I’ve been accused of a few times, and even though I know that it’s common in people with ASD to struggle to emotionally empathize with people, I’m pretty sure that this is more than that, and that it’s in a pattern.
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I have a lot of difficulty conciously self-reflecting, if I can even do it at all. Self reflecting to me is like when you fall asleep on your arm, and you wake up, and try to move it: it won’t work. You can’t feel it. It’s been like this for a long time, too. I don’t think I’ve ever really looked inward often, and I’m starting to see that. I think this may tie into memory loss that I commonly experience.
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I’ve lost a lot of people in my life. It feels like wherever I go, chaos follows. My relationships have only been able to last a couple months and they always end in distress for my partner, while I’m completely oblivious to whatever’s going on. One of my exes has actually even accused me of being a narcissist, and considering everything, I feel like there may be some truth to it. I’ve also had people in my life who have left when I had an incident with a partner. According to a person my last ex knew that I didn’t really know well, they knew that there was something off about me and that it seems as though I always think about myself. If this seems to be the conclusion that so many people reach, then how can they all be wrong?
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Finally, I’ve also been extremely insecure throughout my life, needing to seek intellectual, social, and emotional validation to not feel shitty about myself. Similarly, I think that I’ve always subconsciously felt the need to compete with my partners, myself and the people in my life to feel comfortable within my own head.
In the end, I just want to figure out what this is, and get help so that I don’t have to put any more people through my bullshit, because none of this is okay. I want to fix it, and learn how to live with myself and others in a more constructive way. I at least owe that to the people I’ve hurt, the people in my life, and myself.
All questions are appreciated. Thank you all so much for your help.