I do want to stress that I, not a very good looking guy. I maybe a 3/10. Don’t get me wrong, it never stopped me from approaching someone, because life is too short to live in doubt. But I never had too many success in dating. I feel a lot of the dates I had were out of petty or I was the second choice. I just wanted to declare it early in the post.
I’ve been unemployed,played for 6 months since my contract ended in November. This is the longest I’ve been without a job and it has had a profound effect on my mental health. I pretty much take weeks to respond to friends texts and don’t really go out to hang out. All I do is apply, do some of my hobbies like photography and go to the gym. I’ve always been an ambitious and career focused guy so this part of my life feels hard.
Anyways I was talking to my friend the other day and I told him, I’d not date anyone until I’m 40, when I’m financially independent with no debt and paid off house. He said I was being ridiculous and it’s gonna be hard to find someone at that age. Honestly, I don’t disagree with him. But at the same time, I do feel I have nothing to offer in a relationship. I told him that and he told me I was being harsh to myself. I do have the tendency to do that and my therapist told me that multiple times.
Now the main reason I’m writing this article, because of my mental health. For the better part of the last few years it was great. Until recently when a number of things happened. Job hunting has made it hard, but I also had to switch my meds. I was on SSRI and now I’m on SSNR. I don’t have an official diagnosis, but I’m closer to anxiety and depression. I also had a very traumatic event that happened two weeks ago and still having hard time shaking it off and this is the worse I’ve been in awhile, but not the worst thankfully. There’s been time where I’d feel angry and then feel like crying. Now the only person i can talk without any issue is my brother and that mainly has to do with the fact I didn’t have an average childhood.
I witnessed domestic violence, and my mom has been very abusive, mostly emotionally and even to this day. There were times, when the yelling and belittling would get so bad and even asking her to leave or going to my room she would follow me around that I lashed out against her. I’m not proud of it and do see a therapist. The only reason I live with them, because I made some terrible financial decisions and I’d just end up on the streets which will make my mental health even worse. Another thing was my brother. He’s younger and I really love him and want to be there for him, but lately he’s been there for me.and this is really weird one, but despite how terrible my mom treated me, I always wanted to have a relationship with her. But living in the house is not easy and I know everytime I’m travelling, or was, for work or pleasure, I felt free like a bird left its cage. Last year I was on vacation and I thought of self deleting, because I didn’t want to come home. I told that to my therapist and she said she understood why I felt that way, and I need to start looking to move out soon.
Well now that you have a back story, now I don’t think i should be dating at all. Everytime I see a beautiful woman, I want to talk to her, but then I tell myself, I don’t deserve her. Like what do I have to offer or what about my past or how do I explain my past or what if I hurt her. Again I don’t have an official diagnosis, but I’m kind of a germaphobe, weirdly only at home, and how do I explain that or what if I end up enforcing it once we move in and fuck up her life. This has made life harder for people around me, especially my brother. Like if that bothers them, how is it not gonna bother my future partner? My mom used to tell me when I was a kid, since I was 7, that DV runs in family and I’m gonna end up like my dad. What if she’s right and I end up like that, given I lashed out against my mom. I don’t know why I’m writing this, I just waned to say it out loud because I do feel like a factory defect.