25F. My life isn’t awful, I know people have it worse. But my brain feels like it’s shared with another person, someone who hates me and wants me to die when the REAL me actually likes living. I haven’t ‘felt’ the real me in a while, not for more than 10/15 mins a day or two. I think life is making this imposter sharing my head the new ‘real’ me, and she wants me dead. I don’t want to fight it anymore, I am just waiting for her to be brave enough to kill us both
Diagnosed with BPD. I usually care a lot about how I look, but I self harm when I’m sad to kind of make me think ‘I’ve hurt myself, that’ll do I don’t need to die’ and think if I didn’t do that I’d be dead, being genuinely honest. My 3 year relationship is on the ropes because my incredible, loving boyfriend has been going on his secret app that he pays for containing his ex’s porn while we’ve been together. The kicker is, she’s everything I could never be (she’s a paediatric nurse at GOSH in London, I had to give up my nurse training as I had a psychotic break). Starting a nursing degree gave me something to work for/ reason to live, but I know I will never last the 4 years when I feel like every day I’m battling to live.
My mum had to downsize house (we all work for the NHS we couldn’t afford it) so there’s not enough room for me to live there. I had a single bed in the living room. My older brother and his son now have nowhere to stay so I offered them my little bed at mums and stayed with my bf. Since this, I have been staying at my nans on the floor in the dining room as I can’t afford to live even in a rented room where I live as I don’t earn enough as a NHS HCA. Have applied for other jobs and can’t get any. I got As and A* in school and was always told I’d do good in live, but I’m sleeping on the floor slicing my body to stop myself committing suicide because of this intruder in my head.
I can’t claim benefits, and I’m off sick (please don’t think I’m just being lazy, I LOVE my job and my patients but I can’t tell you how impossible it feels to do anything other than breathe and eat and drink until sleep comes again) I have no job opportunities, even if I did get another job I feel unfit to work (will do it out of desperation)
My dad contacted my mum today, clearly off of his medication (schizophrenia and mega depression, I’ve saved him from suicide growing up but stopped contact the last 3 years for reasons that I’m not ready to talk about). He wants another dna test as thinks I forged the last one, he’s taking it to court. I think it’s so he doesn’t feel guilty for abandoning me if he’s not my dad (he is).
I have no friends. I have no future. I cannot save enough for a house and I can’t afford to rent. My dad is triggering me. The person I want to cry to has broken my heart. I’m bruised all over for sleeping on a hard floor. I have done years of therapy, mental health services, hypnotherapy, EMDR is a 9 month waiting list- there is NOTHING more I can do short of a lobotomy (not being dramatic, the mental health teams/ gp have nothing left to offer, it’s just up to me now). I don’t think I want to try anymore, I’m just waiting until this person kills the real me completely and then ends us both. This feels like the end. I’m almost ready. Almost the end of this never ending sadness and battling. I’m at peace with it