I want to be a better person
I feel like I will forever be a horrible brother, I’ve hurt him. I’m just as violent as my mom was when I was younger. I love him to death, but the spiraling destructive thoughts just turn into undesirable feelings and violence, the feeling that I’m a horrible person is only aggravated when I remember how young he is. I want to change, I want to change so bad, but the easy way out, suicide, just seems better. I think the worst thing about all this it’s the fact that it’s true, I am a violent person, and I have hit him numerous times, just like my mom did to me when I was a kid. I remember the constant fights my mom had with her boyfriend when I was six years old, when my brother haven’t been born yet, among the mess of my room, I used to hear them fighting, objects being smashed, hateful yells, I was so alone, even then I wanted to kill myself, I didn’t know why but I just wished she would kill me. I was pretty alone, and I was actually a very weird kid, when I was six I used to bully the other kids as way outputting all the anger I received from my mother, and when I was confronted for it by teachers I would be so hateful and frustrated at myself I would hurt myself. One time when I was confronted by my mother I was so angry I slapped my own face with so much strength my nose started bleeding. After my brother was born, the violence I would output on myself turned towards him, violence was the only thing I understood, and now that I’m a teenager I know how much it crippled me. I wish I weren’t an accident, I was never supposed to be born, I think that if I was supposed to be born, I would’ve been treated better by my mom.
I don’t think I will kill myself, I’m too scared of death to try it, but I don’t think I can live like this anymore.