I want to get worse(help me understand myself please)

I (14m) recently got out of a mental hospital (April 16/17 – April 21), and I don’t know if it’s bad to say but I really enjoyed it in there, it was calm the majority of the time and I had made friends with two and acquainted with a few other kids. I was in for wanting to kill myself and had researched how much Advil it would take to kill me and had stashed over enough to kill me in my room. I was let out after about 5 days and I honestly miss the staff and the other people there.

Even before I was (unwilling) admitted, I wanted to be even more emotional unstable and depressed. Maybe so my problems(?) would be more prominent or maybe I wanted somebody to like care for me like that I guess? And I don’t really understand why, my parents are great! My mom is a bit strange sometimes but that’s about it.

Anyway, back on topic; I also like want to hurt myself (I don’t (and haven’t ever) self harmed) but I guess I like the medical attention, like I want people to care for me like that. I don’t exactly know how to describe it, please comment any further questions that would help get this answered and I will gladly try to explain it a bit more.

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