I want to hear everything. How this happened. How I can get better, heal, move on. Insights, advice, similar experiences, I’m young so I don’t have an objective world view. Tell me anything. ‘youre fucking stupid’ would be okay too.
I (21F) recently got out of a relationship with my ex (21M) of almost 2 years. Sorry for the long read 🙁
I know I’m young but I’d never in my life been even remotely attracted in someone like that, never loved or cared for someone with everything I had. He just seemed like everything I wanted, everything I could have dreamt up as a kid. Smart, ambitious, attentive, playful. We immediately clicked, had the most perfect chemistry, and it always felt as if we’d known each other our whole lives, there was just this completely unsaid connection and understanding. Music, hobbies, humour, we shared similar interests and opinions on almost everything.
**my personal experience**
I hadn’t believed in soulmates, had always been extremely sceptical of love. My parents hate each other, my dad cheated on my mom, and they were both physically and verbally abusive when I was young. I know how this affects how I attach to people and my emotional responses to things. Codependent, anxious, trust, the whole lot. So I just didn’t believe in romantic love, for me atleast. Intimacy and vulnerability from men made me uncomfortable for reasons I don’t quite understand, but I trusted him, believed in him, and did everything I could to make it work forever, be the best girlfriend. In my head he was exactly what I wanted, someone I could never be bored with, someone I wanted to build a future with, and I wasn’t going to do anything to risk it.
As we got to know each other, for the first time in my life I felt consistently safe. That I could feel calm, loved, motivated and excited and hopeful for my future. I thought this feeling might die out so I journalled about it almost every week for the first 6 months we were talking. It consistently remained, and it felt like anything bad could happen to me and I could get through it easily. I felt peace. He was my comfort.
We were patient and kind and considerate to each other, and it felt good. We took it slow, we communicated productively, we were understanding, we were solid. We weren’t perfect and we had minor issues here and there but we were good for each other. Watching our lives intertwine made me really happy.
**uh oh**
Obviously he was too good to be true. When things began to inevitably fall apart, they fell apart really fast. We didn’t align on our morals or empathy. He was a compulsive and calculated liar. I’d met him online (though we fully intended to meet by the end of the year, or atleast I did) so he was able to lie about everything, his name, his ethnicity, his experiences, things he owned, his relationships with girls, what he was doing.
He wasn’t committed to our relationship, entertained girls he found pretty for the validation, edited screenshots, called his exes, girls he’d had sexual experiences with, random girls he wanted to impress for hours while we were dating and on break. Not to mention he had been doing this for the last 5 years with hundreds of girls, the cheating, lying, sexual relationships with minors, catfishing, made up personas. He’d spend hours every day patiently lying and ‘explaining’ everything that I found out.
I think as he became sloppier and grew more insecure about where our relationship was headed, it became obvious he couldn’t see me. He’d idolize me or my ‘traits’, uplift me and support me, but didn’t respect me. Constant condescension backtracked behind ‘jokes’, infantilization, sarcasm, passive aggressiveness, yelling and degrading when he could tell I was crying. He was coercive, petty, impatient, and being extremely gaslit, I accepted this conditional and withholding form of ‘love’.
When he wasn’t idolizing me he was insecure and mistrusting, questioning and interrogating me about things that were pure and genuine. It became clear to me he couldn’t see me at all, but perhaps a projection of his own thoughts and actions.
**tldr very deep emotional manipulation**
I wanted to see the good in him, so I made endless excuses for him, endlessly gave him the benefit of the doubt, defended him to my friends. I figured he was a traumatized child as I was, and he obviously claimed he had changed, was changing, wanted to change. It didn’t make sense that someone who appeared to be smart and ‘logical’ would consistently delude themselves, and me, go to the effort of wasting both of our time and emotions in a relationship that was bound to go absolutely nowhere??
I thought I was smart enough too, and strong enough. I thought we could grow together, of course deluded under false pretences. So I gave him endless chances over two years. He’d break trust, explode, fuck up every few days and I was too conditioned to leave. He’d throw the same pity party everytime, feigning incapability, he was ‘so genuinely sorry’ he was ‘trying his best to change’ he ‘forgot’ he ‘didn’t realise what he was doing’ he ‘understood how hurt I was and how fucked up he was being’ and he was ‘so sorry for ever hurting me like that and he’d do everything to make it better’.
So I lived exhausted, constantly on edge fearing his next unexpected behaviour, not really able to sleep or eat. I lost 10kg over that time span, down to 42 kg. He knew what he was doing.
It was about control and condition to him. He’d selectively ‘come clean’ to a few minor things when he wanted my trust, he’d comfort me, console me, make all the sweet promises he couldn’t keep as long as I kept loving him, trusting him, being sweet and kind to him. As long as I believed in him, he was kind to me.
When his good boyfriend persona fell apart and I didn’t give him that reaction anymore it was like the flood gates opened. He wore me down and I wasn’t the kindest but that was the worst thing I did. Underlying minor issues finally showed themselves as what they were. He couldn’t handle any productive criticism or communication to improve his behaviour or our relationship without feeling incredibly attacked. Extreme self victimization and avoidance, could not take genuine accountability. He was selfish and inconsiderate, his feelings first. He’d carelessly break all his promises, go against all his words, he’d shame and guilt me, ‘innocently’ tell me things he knew would hurt me, as if the satisfaction of still being able to hurt me or get to me was satisfaction enough that I cared. He’d try to gaslight me, saying ‘no one else would think this, if you asked people everyone would agree with me, obviously your friends would say that, that’s vague advice I’d say that too’. Of course all bread crumbed in between okay days where he was his sweet promising initial self.
Whenever I tried to fully cut contact with him and move on, he’d try to contact me, string me along with that same pity party, that he was ‘changing’ and he needed my help. I really wanted to believe he could change until I found that even after all this, two years of forgiveness, patience, trying to understand him, all the resources I’d sent him, my own personal journalling, ontop of the three years ‘learning’ from his previous experiences too, he was continuing to lie to me and people around him, including a girl he was desperately chasing and leading on for attention. It became clear he just wanted anyone to believe in him, love him, validate his idealised persona. He saw my empathy for him and used it to his advantage until there was nothing left.
**kind of free?**
So he’d stalk me on multiple accounts, stalk my friends, frequent private online spaces he knew I was in. He’d pretend to apologize and stop every time I told him to, but I’d always find new accounts. He was completely uncooperative and delusional the very last time I told him to stop, which escalated the situation to a point where I seeked help from people that were able to get him to stop. It’s been a bit over a month, he hasn’t been trying to contact me, and though I think he’ll try to contact me with bullshit at some point, I’m overall a lot better. I can eat and sleep better now.
I don’t romanticize whatever small genuine moments we had because not only is it difficult to distinguish when he was being self serving, he ‘cared’ for me when it was convenient to. It was conditional to me needing him, giving him the vulnerability and intimacy he needed to feel like a big man. He loved me for what I gave him. He chose himself over and over and over again, it was clear he didn’t want to nourish me, truly love me, or help me grow. I was something for him to romanticise, to play a role in building his idealised good person good boyfriend persona, but not take seriously at all.
He wasn’t actually there for me through during rough patches, at each others worst, and was consistently leading me on with the pretence of a relationship I did not agree to. He let me continue to love him, buy him gifts, pay for his shit knowing all his hidden disloyalty and deception. He knew how seriously I took him and the relationship and that he couldn’t and didn’t reciprocate it, but continued to lead me on.
Every single good memory has been tainted by the true reality of things, how he treated me in ways I’d never\* treat him millions of times over. His lack of any loyalty to our relationship, how quickly he was able to sell out someone he claimed he would ‘die for’ for someone elses validation.
**now**
I’ve been seeing a psychologist for two months, I try to go out as much as possible, to the gym, with my friends, make new experiences. I lean on my friends and family for support, I spend a lot of time doing my hobbies.
I know he wasn’t my soulmate. I know from my dad that some people simply don’t change. It became obvious he was mostly complacent living his life carelessly and selfishly, and he got his way in the end. You can’t make someone care.
I know I need time. I’m know I was nowhere near perfect either but there are people who will love me that wont be 10% the loser he was.
I don’t take his actions personally. Talking to people who had previously loved him, cared for him, wanted the genuine best for him helped me solidify this. You cannot satisfy anyone who has no inner sense of self as they will always require external validation.
I try to make each day a good day, every week better than the last, take it slow, be grateful of what I have. I don’t waste my emotions feeling anger, hatred or spite. I allow myself to feel grief as I did love and care for someone with everything I had, but I’m not sure how a human copes with all of this.