Even before I started writing here today, I thought to myself, "I must be a cornball type of guy" just because I wanted to anonymously get something off my chest. There's a pattern like this, with all my thoughts, that I have been seeing a lot lately.
I honestly don't know where to start with this post so I'm just gonna start at my earliest memories.
When I was around 5 years old, I stayed with an immediate family member. A whole lot of my family was there, I could never name off everyone. This made things especially challenging after all these years, because instead of having 1 person I can cast blame on, I only have ambiguity. There were many, and multiple people, who hurt me as well as others.
I have this early memory of being with my Older brother, well call him BOOF. Boof and I were always so energetic and happy when we were young, jumping into pools n shit. One day, we were next to some shed on the same property where I remember my cousin performing sexual acts on both of us, while being guided by an adult. To this day, neither me nor boof can remember who this adult is. I suppose it is for the best, because getting away with murder doesn't sound ideal. Well, me and boof endured this and have talked only once in our lives about it.
I reluctantly brought it up one time, about 5 or so years ago, and he just told me he swore it was a dream. He said theres no way it could've happened. After explaining I endured the same thing as well as saw him there, in the fucked up position, we both agreed to NOT talk about it ever again with anybody.
Well today, I'm coming out. I did already tell my spouse. He is very supportive about it as well. Boof will not discuss it for a while I'm afraid, unless he told his gf behind closed doors. We are very similar in this way, so its very likely.
As grotesque as the memories are, theres a lot of weird twists and turns that come up when I reflect. Sure, I could get mad at my cousin, but it would be pointless. She was around the same age as me and was just following what fucked up instructions she had received from some fucked up relative. There was a court case that I recently learned about that involved my favorite uncle, but he was proven innocent somehow. All I have is pain, exhaustion, and questions which will never be answered.
Sorry if I'm rambling, its just that I heard if I share my story, the pain might start decreasing more.
Feel free to ask questions in the comments, thanks so much for reading