I really don’t freaking know what’s going on.
I consider myself a good person, with a beautiful, good, happy and stable life.
Freaking twitter now called X started showing violence and gore recently.
I watched like 10 gore videos in total (like mexican torture) from 16-23. Now I even blocked X because sometimes I remember the videos I watched and it flashes my mind in a really weird way. I say weird because obviously it is horrendous but I don’t feel the extremely horrible traumatic feeling I felt the first times.
Now in my normal days I don’t watch it, but sometimes when I drink I go to my desktop and end up watching and looking for some things in x like tortures and shit like that. I even avoid gore websites because it makes me sick. X gives me that poisoning rush of “maybe i will find something horrible and maybe i wont”, But I usually do. I don’t enjoy it, I don’t really suffer it. I just get like “fuck, what the hell did those mexican guys to deserve that”. And it makes me feel a little bit of luck and gratitude because of being a good human being but at the same time it impresses those images on my brain and they WILL ALW BE THERE, sometimes when I don’t expect them to come they will. Every singe time I watch a gore video, i think: fuck, there it is another flash psdt for life.
I have a wonderful wife and 2 dogs living with me. Why don’t i go with them to the living room instead of locking myself in and watching shit like that? Is not everyday, but 2 times a month yes, 1000%. And I regret every single time. The main difference between my first video and know is now i can handle them even though they are extremely horrible. Im not addicted, it is just a weird feeling. I don’t even feel a mentally perturbed person. It is just weird i cannot even explain it properly.
Sorry for my English, im from madrid.
I don’t want to watch those videos again.
Man getting his eyes taking out alive, people burned alive or stabbed to death… fuck, Those images wont ever leave…. They are not always there, but sometimes they come to your mind to remember you you fucking watched them.
Im 27 now, hope to fix this shit
