Today I was chilling with my cat. All of a sudden he hissed at me and something inside me just snapped. I didnt even think about my next action. And then it all snowballed. Aggressive acts breed more aggression and it just got worse. I started choking and slapping. And then my partner’s younger sibling saw me. It all hit me at once. The regret. The pain I had just caused.
That was not the start. I had three cats. I did the same thing pretty much. However I didnt know the first one was pregnant. And the second was by mistake. I choked too much. I don’t know whats wrong with me. I don’t know why it intoxicates me. I didn’t even cry when I killed my own cat. None of them deserved it.
I only really started to “wake up” when I started affecting the ones around me. I told myself I’d stop. I didn’t. It kept becoming this spur of the moment impulse.
A few moments ago I decided to reenact what I did to the current cat to myself. I choked myself multiple times, bitch slapped myselff multiple times. But it isn’t enough. I need to face my sins and get fucking help. I just want to be normal. Please.
I want to stop. I want to learn to stop. I want to change. Please, spare me the hate. I know I deserve it, but that isn’t what I need right now. Someone please help me.