I (17 f) am afraid I might be showing some tendencies to an eating disorder. I’ll start by saying that I have always hated my body. But I think everyone has been a little insecure in their lives no? For my height I’m considered to have a pretty normal weight. But despite this, since I was 13 I have been looking in the mirror, grabbing at the fat on my waist, legs, and belly and have the urgency to just grab a pair of scissors and cut it all off. I have noticed that in the last 3 years I have been weighting myself everyday, to decide if it is worth to eat dinner or have some snacks during the day, in order to not gain weight the next day. One time I went to Brazil to stay with my mom’s side of the family after not seeing them for many years. We didn’t have a scale, and I remember just being so frustrated and anxious everytime I woke up because I couldn’t weight myself, so I had to stand in front of the mirror and guess if I had gained weight or not during my stay.
Despite skipping many meals or eating less I have never fainted nor looked tired, so there really isn’t any exterior health issue that I should worry about. However I only recently have realized that I have had binge eating tendencies since I was 10. Everytime I’m left alone in the kitchen and I know no one can see me, I go through every cabinet, any kind of place that might store food, to just eat. And I can’t seem to stop until I just feel nauseous or when I feel my mom coming down the stairs. Everytime I hear her I just rush to hide every plastic wrap or hint that might indicate I have been eating. I don’t know why, but I just feel so ashamed being caught eating outside of meals. The food I eat during these periods can go from cookies, chocolate, bread to canned tuna, and any leftovers I can find.
Despite everything I have never tried to throw up, because I knew it was wrong, or at least until today. Last week I had to get a breast surgery for some fibroadenoma they had found some months ago. Apparently it did something to my body because in just a week I have gained 2 kg. Today I have decided to only eat a salad for lunch, and I planned to also skip dinner in order to lose a few grams.
When my mom went out to take the dog for a walk however I got up and instinctively went to the kitchen. I was planning to only get a glass of water, however when I saw some leftover rice from the lunch my mum made I just couldn’t help myself and grabbed a spoon to eat it with. It was only at the 5th spoonful that I stopped myself and decided to make some tea to stop my hunger. I made the tea and sat down. But my mistake was to grab two cookies to eat with the tea. I don’t know how many I ate. But I know I only stopped when I felt like I couldn’t eat anymore. I grabbed the leftover tea and threw it in the sink, not being able to drink anymore. I sat down on the couch, and only then the reality of what happened hit me. I have never felt so fucking disgusted in my life, and when I went to the bathroom I just couldn’t help but grab my toothbrush and shove it down my throat, hoping to puke. Unfortunately, or maybe fortunately, I didn’t. I couldn’t manage to. And after a few tries I just began crying, understanding that what I was doing was absolutely destroying me. I know that there are people that are dying for this kind of things, I know a girl in my class that almost died at the hospital because of Anorexia. And it’s for this exact reason that I feel like I am not allowed to ask for help, because my life is not at risk as many other who have REAL eating disorders. I hate people who consider themselves to have eating disorders just because they sometimes don’t like themselves in a dress or because they haven’t eaten lunch that day. And I don’t want to be that kind of person. But it has been going on for so long that I can’t even recognize if what I’m experiencing is a real issue or if I’m being dramatic. Can someone help me understand better my situation?
