Honestly I’m just tired and need to get this off my chest. The one person I feel safest talking to is going through their own major thing right now and doesn’t need my crap on top of it all.
I’ve been on antidepressants for like thirteen or fourteen years at this point. Every few years they change what I take, or add something new. Doesn’t matter. I still have my ups and downs and I’m in therapy as well. I know it’s going to happen. But I’ve been struggling so hard for about three months now and I just can’t get out of it. I thought I had for about a month and it’s just spiraled again. I did the DNA test for what meds may work best and that was an absolute waste of time. All it said was basically I should take what I’m already on or what I’ve been on before. One of the suggested meds screwed me up bad in the past. I’m angry that I wasted my time and hope on this stupid test helping me. It helped a lot of people but I guess I have no such luck.
I wouldn’t say I’m suicidal but honestly, I don’t really care if I don’t wake up. I have my list of reasons for staying and that’s all that is keeping from completely losing it. There’s no point in talking to the psychiatrist because all she’s gonna do is increase my doses, and I’m tired of that being the big answer. Sometimes it helps but only for so long. I don’t want to be maxed out on a thousand different medications yet again. Plus if I tell her how bad it is she may want to lock me away. Part of me just wants to stop taking the meds because how much worse could it really get? What’s the point of taking all these stupid pills if I’m still going to deal with this crap? Part of me had even thought, more than once, about just taking extra doses to prove the point that I could take all kinds of meds and look doc, it STILL doesn’t work but then they’ll put me away for a bit and I don’t want that. Even though taking too much of my meds doesn’t seem to be lethal. I took a leave of absence from work for a month earlier this year when it was bad but I’m right back in it and don’t want to take another leave for multiple reasons.
I feel like I’m just stuck in this hole that I can’t get out of. I don’t know what to do anymore. It feels like such a waste of time to even try anymore when I’m just gonna end up here again. I don’t have the energy to keep trying. I have things that are happening later this year that I’m looking forward to but even that isn’t helping right now. I try to think of those things but even then it doesn’t change that I’m dealing with this. I’ve been inpatient a few times and while it helps a bit I always end up back here in this absolute darkness. There’s no avoiding it. I get a bit off the wagon at least once a year but it hasn’t been this bad in a while. I use my coping skills. I keep myself busy and my mind occupied. And then we get to two in the morning and I’m wide awake and can’t stop the torment. Eventually it has to stop but when? I pray and pray and I know God hears me and will get me through it but it’s still hard.
I’m sorry. I know this is long. I’m going to stop here because I don’t want to torture anyone any longer that has read this needless and obnoxious complaining.