I [15F] struggle with mental illness. My parents got divorced when I was 11 at the start of Covid and that’s when I really got depressed. I have undiagnosed adhd, depression, and anxiety, and for the longest time my parents were against me getting diagnosed because of family history of substance abuse.
I have been in therapy for years but it has never done me any good because I am extremely uncomfortable talking about my problems and feelings. I would never share anything important with my therapist so I never got the help I needed.
I had never been in a good friendship until this year and I still always feel uncertain about it because of my own insecurities. For the first time in my life I have a best friend that I feel comfortable talking to about most things. I am grateful to have him but I always feel like I am burdening him because he struggles with his own issues. Of course he talks to me about it as well but I still feel like I can be to much.
I struggle with cutting because that was my only way of coping with all the thoughts and feelings I was having. I can’t cry easily and I haven’t had a cry sesh in months. I know not everyone cuts to kill themselves but I have seriously considered it multiple times. I constantly feel this intense pressure pushing me down. I can’t handle it and so I’ll lay on the ground and I feel better on the ground rather than my bed and I don’t know why that is. I don’t know what to do. I always have a lot of anxiety and I feel like it comes from no where. And my depression can be so strong and overwhelming. I can’t function properly. I get like no sleep every night and I can’t do schoolwork because I have no motivation. There are people I love in my life but my want for death is so much more powerful. It’s not even like a want anymore it feels like the only option. I can’t do anything to drown out the noise in my head. I listen to music and I’ll blast it but I never feel any better. My parents found out that I self harm and my dad freaked out. He yelled at me and said there was no reason to be like this and that my life had been great. My dad is an undiagnosed narcissist and he has plenty of his own mental issues. Over the years he has been hard on me and now I think I don’t love him anymore. I feel bad for saying that and I know I’m supposed to love him but I think everytime I see him I’m just barely tolerating him. I have always been overweight. I’m 5’1 and I was almost 160lbs. I have lost weight now because I think I have eating problems and now I’m 139lbs. I no longer feel hunger so I tend to just not eat. But also I will binge eat sometimes just because I feel like it. But I’ve gone days without eating before and continue to not be hungry. I actually can’t handle all my problems anymore. My parents are now trying to get me diagnosed but it’s not exactly a fast process so I don’t have any medicine. I don’t know I really don’t know what to do with myself. I want to die I want to die so badly but I’m also scared to do it but I feel like I am capable of doing it. I haven’t even finished talking about all my fucking problems but I have already written to much. I guess I’m asking what I should do so I don’t kill myself. I have a therapist. I’m going to go see a psychiatrist in a couple more weeks. And I’m so scared of mental hospitals I really don’t want that. My therapist and a previous psychiatrist said that I should go to one. Well my psychiatrist actually threatened me saying she would call the police if I resisted and my mom interfered because that lady was crazy. But I’m trying not to fail my classes right now and I’m not succeeding. I dunno what I should do.